Baby Blues....

What day is it today?  I think it's Sunday, which means it's the third day since we brought our baby home...I lost count of the days...

Anyway, we brought home our baby on Friday noon.  I carried her myself, despite the custom that someone else should do it.  At first, it was supposed to be my mum, but my hubby insisted I did it.  When she was born, Felicia was 3.25 KG.  But when released from the hospital, she's 3.2KG.  

But boy she's heavy!! and because my hubby drove slowly, I almost fell asleep carrying her!  But everything is great and well by the time we got home.  (Oh, did I mention that my tummy - not the stiches- hurted a lot after the operation?  apparently it's because this medicine that the doctor gave me to make the womb smaller.  It was horrible on Friday, and having gurita helped a lot.  but now it's okay).

Once we got home, there's so many things to do and unpack.  Took care of the dirty laundry from the hospital.  Remembering where I put the baby stuffs at home.  arranging the gifts from visitors (which are still unopened now, placed nicely in the living room).  preparing the bottles, unpacking the little baby stuffs I brought to the hospital.  And before you knew it, Felicia was up again and asking for a feed.  

Then I still have to take a shower (only allowed once a day, with warm water, boiled ginger and some herbs, it takes two hours to boil and have everything ready).  

Oh yeah, because I delivered earlier on the 9th instead of 20th, our nanny could only start working on 13th, the day after we took home the baby.  So for the first day, it was just the two of us.  with maids of course, but we dealt with the baby ourselves.

At night, I was spent.  I slept when the baby slepts, and up when she's up (which was every 2. 5 hours, minus the half hour of changing the diaper, preparing for the formula and feeding the baby, I only got 1.5hr sleep in between).  She was up quite a lot the first night, and pooed and peed, and ate.  The last hour was at dawn, around 4 am, when Ming and I were both up caring for her.

Then few hours later, when I was still too dazed and really, really, really wanted to sleep, I remember that i had to give her medicine by 6 am and placed her under the morning sun for 15 minutes before 9 am.  which, considering how hot the sun is nowadays, I had to be awake early.

So by 7 am I gave her the medicine, by 7:15 I was carrying her around the house looking for the right place to get the perfect morning sunrays, and by 8am after everything was done, i had to prepare for her feed and feed her.  

By that time, i was an emotional wreck already.  I felt like, that's it.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I've never been this tired my whole life!! (though I had stayed awake the whole nite for last minute studying during my college days, this time, it was different!).  But everytime I hold my baby in my arms, somehow I got new strength.  I didn't feel sleepy at all.  I still found the strength to smile and laugh and talk to her sincerely.

But once I put her down, everything returns.  Worrying if I could get through the day, thinking about the so many things to do to prepare for the next feed.  Then if I got that under control,  I started thinking about my 14KG weight gain I still retained after giving birth, my still swollen feet and now in addition, my puffy eyes and swollen face due to lack of sleep. Plus, according to custom, i should not wash my hair just yet, and it's getting unbearable and when I looked at my self in the mirror, I really hated it.  I even cried.  Thinking how was I supposed to get my previous body back (which were not thin and slim to begin with!!).

Then if got THOSE thoughts under control (C'mon Vi, you just GAVE birth less than a week ago, and Ming didn't say anything about that yet, and you once lost 10KG, you can do it again!!), than I started to think about my job.  How this monday Ming has to go to Singapore himself to care for it, wishing my customers will receive their goods on time, hoping that they would not be too upset if they didn't.  Thinking if there was anything I could have done to prepare the shipment better.  Thinking THERE WAS something I should have done, but perhaps didn't, or forgot about it, or didn't think that far, and how stupid and careless and incompetent I was...

Then all these three thoughts: being incompetent mum, being ugly fat woman, being a lousy marketer, really drove me to tears.  I've never cried so many times in the last three days.

Anyways, I still have these thoughts now, but i tried to talk to myself that I need to get my priority straight.  Which is our baby.  I cannot be like this.  My baby can feel my anguish, and she needs me in a sound mind to care for her.  

Last nite our nanny came, her presence helped a lot.  meaning that I know I can leave my baby for few moments with her if I need to use the bathroom, to eat, or simply, to have my own time like writing this post.  I haven't fully trusted her yet, but she's there now in the nursery room to watch my baby sleep.  yup.  that's all she has to do now (done with the dirty diapers and bottles washing).  The baby still sleeps with us at night, I still feed her, and I got my relative (who was the head of OR nurse in Adi Husada Hospital) to bathe my baby this one month every morning (not for free of course, but it's worth it, I could ask her many things and got her assurance as professional, certified nurse).

Oh, and please don't think that watching a baby sleeps is nothing.  I tried that on my first day at home and couldn't do it.  I was instantly alert on the slightest sound, jerks, movements that she made, which means I couldn't really sleep that well and that it was more tiresome than ever...

And by the second day after I came home, I lost 1 kg.  which gives me just a lil hope that I would lose this weight gain given time, treatment, and exercise...

And today I had a fight with my mum.  Yup.  The matter is very simplet: whether to give my baby "gurita" or not.  It was ol customs to do it, and my mum did it for my sisters and I when we're just babies.  But nowadays, all doctors suggest NOT to do it.  They found out that the gurita actually caused baby's discomfort and as a result, threw up a bit after feeding.  

So I insisted otherwise.  my mum been complaining about that these past few days and today she snapped, she yelled at me for not doing it (which she would deny and would tell anyone that she didn't yell).  And I was upset (probably because lack of sleep too, though last nite was better than first nite) because I thought, I was given an advice by the doctor, this is MY baby, I should have a say on that, rite?

My mum insisted that having giving birth for three baby girls, she knew better on this matter compare to my doctor.  We both think we knew better for the baby, but our opinions are on the opposite matters.

I hated it.  Not the advice, but the way she put it.  I felt like she treated me like a child again.  in my own house, with my own baby.  In the end she told me dad,"liaten tah, udel e bayine jadi bodong ini lho, gara gara vivi gak mau nurut!" to which I yelled from the dining room "Bano!!"  terus mamaku bilang, "kamu gak takut dosa tah, ngomong sama mama kaya gitu??"  To which I really could not control it anymore and just started crying my eyes out.  i told her and my dad that she came to my house at 9 am and started yelling at me ( to which of course, she denied), and I just couldn't take it.  This is MY baby we're talking about!!! and she said, she knows better than me, that i made a lot of mistakes, kalo aku ini anak kurang ajar gak bisa diomongi...

In the end, of course, she got what she wants, putting gurita on.  I simply cannot stand being there, having people ignore what I think it's good for my baby, and I was simply too tired to fight.

Then she got the last words, of course, saying those things about me, then saying that she has sacrificed a lot, waking up at 4 am making me special food and how I do not appreciate her at all, and said that she won't come to my house again.

Ming was still asleep, my dad tried to talk to both of us, saying to my mum she shouldn't be too harsh on me, and to me that I could just take the gurita off after my mum left.

then when my eyes are still swelling, my parents in law came.  

Anyway, it's noon now and I haven't eaten at all except for couple slice of bread for breakfast.

I lost my appetite from all what's been happening...and now in addition to the horrible three thoughts I still have to struggle with, now there are new problems with my mum...