AAARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Good night sleep: check
Obgyn's advice: check
second doctor's opinion: check
Hubby's support: check
second option date of birth: check
suitcase of mom and baby's needs: check
operation room and obgyn's appointment on second option dob: check

decision whether to give birth earlier than 20th: .................
[ehm] DECISION WHETHER TO GIVE BIRTH EARLIER THAN 20TH: !(@^*%#^&?!!


After frantic phone calls lobbying and gathering support from in laws, parents, doctors (including Sheila's dad who I think was taking a nap - maap dok - and who thinks that really, Vi, it will be okay, the baby IS ready.  seriously), and even go so far as making reservation in the hospital for the second option date of birth AND HOUR, I woke up this morning at 5:45 and cannot close my eyes, thinking, seriously, SHOULD I GIVE BIRTH EARLIER????

I mean, here's the pro: the doctors said the baby is ready, and if I have the baby earlier, I can bring home the baby during the long Lebaran holiday, which gives me and Ming time and space to adjust to being new parents without worrying about work, without Ming having to wake up at 6:30 am for work and returned at 6:30pm.  Ming will have plenty of time to enjoy and adjust to our baby and subsequently I will have benefit from this one too because he will be able to give me much needed supports, instead of leaving me alone at home with our baby.  well, okay, not alone, there will be nanny and maids, and my parents and ming's nanny who's been with this family for the last 32 years.

and here's the cons: what if the baby is NOT ready?  I heard so many stories of how the lung has not developed, how even if the baby is really ready, but because she is too young, she has troubles eating.  what if the doctors are wrong?

Here I am, facing the first major decision as a mom:  should I give birth early?  

and here I am, unable to answer.

What kind of mum would I be???

I mean, I'm used to making major decisions: what major I should take at college, whether to stay in Canada or go back to Indonesia, whether to break up with boyfriends, whether to take a job offering or quitting.  those sorts of decisions that really lead me to where I am today.

And I gotta say that difficult those things are, I think I made the correct decisions.  and even if I did make mistakes from time to time, it is only ME who has to pay for it.  and that's okay.  I knew the risk and willing to pay the price.

but now....my decision will influence the life of our new born.  

a lil voice inside of me think: that's not fair!!!  you can't make me do that!!! (whoever "you" here is, i really don't know).

another voice said: D'uh!! that's what being a mom really is about: making tough decisions for your young ones until they can make their own and be responsible for it.  i definately should get something for MY mom this mother's day.

Thing is, I know that regardless of all the above check list, I know in the end it has to be MY decision.  and I know, that would mean that I have to be ready to pay the price, take the risks and be responsible.  ME, the mum, not Ming, not the doctors, not my parents.  

and this time, I don't know if I'm able to do that...