There's something wrong with me.
I've turned into this extremely bitchy, short-tempered, explosive woman who seems to be angry at the world.
What I don't understand is, why.
I have a loving husband and wonderful daughter.
My parents are healthy and still happily married, my sisters may not live in the same city with me, but thanks to emails, webcam, facebook and the whole nine yards, we always keep in touch and have great, working relationship :)
I live in a nice house, complete with maids and nanny. I drive a nice car, well, I don't really drive a car, but I do have driver(s) at my disposal.
I have a job.
I have no rights to complain.
So it's quite a mystery to me why I'm turning to this nasty person that I'm pretty sure had my former-self of five years ago met the person I become now, they wouldn't have gotten along.
And no, I'm not having PMS.
Few days ago, I jokingly made a promise to my staffs to not raise my voice and keep my cool. It lasted 24 hours. It was very disturbing for me how easy I got angry if things didn't turn out quite as I've expected at work, if I didn't get what I want, if they didn't immediately understand how I want it done; even as I write this I realize how I'm acting like a petulant child instead of being a professional at work.
I used to excuse myself by saying it's all because of work pressure, it's because this is the treatment I get from the boss, it's because they are not being professional themselves.
What a load of bullshits.
Let's check, shall we?
First of all, the company has hired two additional staffs to share the workloads, so the pressure and the stress has been cut down by 50% at least. Second, while I should and must expect my staffs to be professional, they are still human beings who made mistakes and who actually, admittedly, most have done their best to fix it; I just don't like to receive bad news and acting unreasonable to make NO allowance, no room for mistake. And when I do receive bad news, which is expected as I'm hired to deal with bad news and if there's no bad news then why hiring me, then I immediately got wired up, and exploded in rage. Which is very unprofessional if you ask me.
As for this is how I'm treated by my boss...well, I can't expect my staffs to have the same understanding with me. This company, this "job" is basically what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Whether I like it or not, this is my future, my life. But it is not so for my staffs. I can't expect them to work for the rest of their lives here.
When I still worked for the previous company, I loved my job, I admired the way my boss handled crisis, handled his employees, and how he earned his staff's loyalty and devotion. Yes, devotion. We loved our jobs, we didn't mind NOT getting paid for overtime and whenever our boss asked us to do something extra, we went out of our way to make sure it's done as he requested, we always gave 110% in what we do on daily basis and we were proud of what we do and the organization we belong to.
All those things above, unfortunately, I can't say currently my staffs felt the same way.
And I just realized that, I want them to. I want them to be proud of the work they did, of the company they belong to. And I know that so far, I've done absolutely nothing to improve their morale. As a matter of fact, I've been actively destroyed and sabotaged it.
In short, I've been a bitch who measured people as good as their contribution to this week's shipment and made no comments about their accomplishments but zeroed in their mistakes and flaws. I'm truly a horrible person, and no, I can't sleep at night thinking about it.
Which is why I've been actively blocking my thoughts about it until a couple of weeks ago when this employee, someone I've never met before, approached me with fear in her eyes.
It really disturbed me. I have never talked to her before, never seen her before, and in the first five minutes her fear is so palpable that I went above and beyond to be extra calm when talking to her and explaining twice what I want and how I want it done. I can tell you that I've never put so much thought and effort on talking to someone. ever. I was happy when she met me for the second time and it's obvious that she's much less nervous and seemed assured of herself enough to ask me questions.
I never knew her name.
Anyway, so I talked to a couple of my managers and found out that my reputation has preceded myself. The reputation of being a nasty bitch. Ouch.
Something must change.
And it has to be me.
I must change. Surely, deep, way deep inside of me, there's still some bits and pieces left of my former, nicer self. Someone who believes in the good of people, who treats other courteously, who always have time and open ear to listen to their problems, who's professional at work, someone who, like Kipling said:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
Only problem is, I'm not a man... :)
