Some older Felicia pics

I was browsing thru some of the pictures that I took from the hospital and edited them for size and enjoy!!

This is Felicia when she's hungry (or thirsty? as she can't eat yet).. She will start to wake up and grows red on her face and all over her body until you feed her. She will respond to a small pat on the cheek by turning her mouth towards the pat, expecting a nipple/milk bottle

Felicia sleeping peacefully on Vivi's side of the bed. She likes the "arms up" position, which apparently is my sleeping style too (according to Vivi)

Vivi's first nursing of Felicia at the hospital (Oct 10, 7:40am according to the photo time stamp), a moment forever remembered, yaaay!

Yeah, leave the writings to Vivi and the pictures to me!

To answer whether or not she is already ear-pierced, yes. Got her ear pierced either on the 2nd or 3rd day at the hospital by the nurse. If you look at my earlier picture where she sticks out her tongue, you can see the earring on her left ear.

Cheers!

More Felicia Pictures

Felicia with Mommy (or Mommy with Felicia?)

Felicia has "unyeng-unyeng" in the front....
(if you dont know unyeng-unyeng, it's the twirly hair above the right eye)

Felicia, Mommy, Grandma and Great-Grandma! Yay!!

A few photo moments with daddy

Check it out aunties and uncles! Yeah, you people are THAT old now, haha

Booo!

Gotcha!

Am I sweet or what?

which reminds me...

To thank Sheila's dad, dr. Indra Kusuma, for his wonderful supports ....

here's what happened that I don't think even Sheila knows...

It was 7 October 2007, and I was still an emotional wreck, couldn't decide to give birth on 9 October or 20th October. My obgyn told me that the baby was ready, and Dr. Indra also told me the same. He even predicted that the earliest would be 9 October.

Anyway, he then said something to Ming and I that kinda seal the deal.

He said, Vi, you're in a good condition, physically. Your baby is also fine, more than 3Kg (around 3.3 he said). You can of course wait until 20th. But no one knows what could happen between now and then. You can have early contraction while you're doctor is away. Even - no bad meaning - you can get sick, your condition can drop.

Let's say you have dengue fever, that could be dangerous, you can't have operation because it'll cause significant danger for you and your baby.

For some, this may sound very extreme, but I have to say, I thank God Ming took the advice, I really believe it saves both our lives, since I start having the fever on 19 October...

I'm Back!!

So finally I'm off the IV (AGAIN!!!!) tell you what, I've never had so much injections in the last 3 weeks than in my entire 26 years on earth. I didn't even bother asking for band-aid. My arms are full with needle marks, I have the IV changed three times: one because it got stuck, moved to the other arm, then the needle got bend, so have to be removed again. Plus every day (at one time, twice a day) I got my trombosit checked.

The drama started on 19 October, at noon. suddenly i got a light fever. feeling better, but at night the fever increased from 37.5 to 40.3C. We got blood check, but it's still 217 (trombosit), so, it can't be dengue.

On my last blog, my obgyn gave me the medicine to reduce my fever, but until Monday, my fever was still running high at 39C. I checked in the hospital and by that time the trombosit was 148 already. and it went down to 119, then 92, every day.

What really frustrating was the fever wouldn't go down, insisted on staying at 38 -39. We did a full blood check: thyphoid, nope. urine infection: nope. liver, nope, any other infections, nope. even the blood check showed negative on dengue viral infection.

My body felt okay actually, i didn't get any major headache, my body felt okay. it's just the damn fever! then my in laws told us to go to Singapore for a check up (because at that time, no one knows what happened to me). So we prepared all the paper work, getting ready for a check out when we found out that my trombosit has dropped from 92 to 27.

So there's no way we could get on the plane. we stayed in the hospital again, but requesting different doctor, and this time he's actually knows what he's doing. He immediately changed all the medicine, and by the next morning, my fever had went down to a normal 36C. of course, my trombosit fell for another 22. (normal is of course, 150 - 450). But i didn't care, I'm just so happy I'm finally fever free after 7 days.

gradually, the trombosit starts to increase, from 22 in the morning, 34 in the afternoon, 48 the next morning, 98 the morning after, and this morning, it reaches 158!

theoretically, I'm doing great! my temp is at most 36.4C, still normal, trombosit has reached normal level, my doctor told me to go home this noon.

But I'm still stuck here, in room H307 at 7pm. everybody (except me and my hubby) felt comfortable if I stayed another night here. resting. (sorry, Han, i have to mention this one again), in a 850rb/nite, VIP B room. The room is bigger than Mitra Keluarga hospital where I gave birth, but gotta say, the service sucks. the nurse regularly forgot to take the temp result they took. I once woke up at midnite confused why there's a temp under my armpit and how long has it been there???

My IV got stuck last time because I put my hand under my pillow while I shouldn't, so the nurse answer was to pull my pillow roughly to stop me from doing that. well, hello...there's certain standard you expect when you check in a VIP room, though it's not VIP A.

Anyway, so for the third time, we cancelled our check out. but we should definately be out by tomorrow noon. I don't want to stay another night here.

The hardest thing, of course, is I have to postpone seeing Felicia. I really, really miss that kiddo. On friday, my parents took her to her doctor, and she's now 4.1KG. Everyone who looks at her now all says how beautiful she is, how big she's getting, and all I can think of is, well, the smell of her in the morning. the way she stretches out her body... before i went to the hospital, I only got to see her through her bedroom window. I was so afraid I carried flu/thyphoid or nasty things like that, so i didn't even get the chance to kiss her.

I even got the nerve to measure my baby's temp through her anus, since it's the most accurate way, just to make sure her temp is just right.

And now I wonder....will she remember me? my voice?

she hadn't been able to see clearly last week, but now my parents said that she can starts seeing and listening....Will she prefer me than my mum?

I miss my baby terribly. Though I promised Ming that I would take it easy during my first couple of days back. I promised I wouldn't get carry away and exhaust myself from trying to take over from the nanny.

I suppose he has a point. The last thing I need is to go back to this place and got myself another series of injections...

I want to be healthy for my baby's first month celebration later on...

thanks for the prayers....

nb: i got my appetite back a bit. well, at least i can now eat more than two spoonfulls though less than half portion...

Down with fever

Since last Friday, I got quite horrible fever, reaching 40.3C

I have no idea what's wrong, at first i thought i got dengue fever since it's going up and down, 37.5, then back to normal, then 38, then 39, then 40.

The next day i went to my obgyn in the hospital, since it's time for my check up.  I was shivering so bad that I waited in the car.  we got to the hospital at 6, only to find out the registration is at 7.  then we found out that the doctor was late and would come at 9am.  i couldn't take it anymore, so i went to the ER, where they gave me shot to lower my temp and allowed me to sleep there.   

My obgyn later on told me that it wasn't because of the stitches, and i didn't show any flu symptoms. so it must be because i couldn't breastfeed for the past three days.  Anyway, it was horrible.  since then, my temp has been going up and down more than Oprah's weight.  sometimes it reaches 36.7, then i slept for one hour, it returned to 38.

funny thing, my arms and legs are cold, but my neck, my palms are hot.  But i can do normal activities now.  too bad i have to limit my contact with my baby.  i have to wear mask, and i have to ask the nanny to feed her, I can only make her the formula milk.

oh yeah, i can't eat.  everything tastes foul and bitter...

gosh, i really want to get well soon.  the doctor said that if it keeps going like this, then i may have to stay in the hospital...i really, really, really, don't want that....

First Check up

We decided to go without our nanny to the hospital this noon for Felicia's first check up.  

She is doing great, she's currently 3.5KG (born 3.25KG, when released from the hospital was 3.2KG) and had her first polio vaccination.

I enjoyed our first trip just the three of us outside the house.  And I'm proud to say that we manage it without nanny!!  hahahaha...perhaps for all of you who live outside indonesia this is really nothing.

But for us, well, it's really something else.  

See, before I got pregnant, I saw a lot of young children carried by their nanny while their mum and dad walk in front of them as if their kids didn't even exist.  Well, I try not to be judgmental, but I just found it weird that people spent a lot of resources to have and raise kids, but it is their nanny who enjoy it.  

The final straw was when I was at church, I saw this beautiful lil girl, about 4 years old.  I'm sure her parents were around, but she wasn't sitting with them.  She was joking with her nanny at the back seat, then hug her nanny.

I thought, OMG.  I mean, there's nothing wrong having a nanny ( I knew I wouldn't be able to get any rest without one), but when your child choose your nanny over you for comfort, that's just wrong.  don't you think?

Oh well, perhaps they have their own reasons, and perhaps I'll be doing the same thing in five years.  I hope not though...

Huahahaha

Last nite around midnite my daughter started to cry, asking for milk. I tried to lift her, but my back hurted so much I couldn't. So i asked for Ming's helps.

Ming, however, having been pooed before (directly to his palms while he was wiping her when he thought she's done pooing), waiting for her to finish doing number two.

So she was crying louder and louder, getting hungrier and angrier, while Ming wouldn't bulge.

True enough, she pooed again, twice. But she's none too pleased about waiting for so long for milk.

Satisfied that she's done doing number two, Ming cleaned and lifted her up, preparing for the formula.

It was then that my dearest, one-week old baby girl, decided to settle the score. She peed directly on Ming's arms. At first Ming thought I spilled the water, but nope. It was 100% pure urine flowing down his shirt.

It's the first time in the past couple of days that I laughed that loud.

My baby is a genius!!!!

Of course, Ming told her off, especially since within the past three days she managed to do her number one and number two on her dad. And my baby pouted, give him this "well-you-took-too-long-to-feed-me" look and holding both her hands on her tummy. Her first sulk.

How could anyone be upset with such an angel???

hhhh....

(of course, it could be just me, the mum, who interpret her body language like that)

thanks!

Thanks sheila for the call yesterday...It gave me a much needed 10 minutes break !!

and I really should learn to read all the comments in my posts and respond to them eh?

I got it!!

I've been thinking yesterday about the complicated relationship between mother and daughter (can't live with her, can't live without her...), becoming a new mom for my newborn daughter, i don't think it's too early to think about that...

and then it suddenly hits me: being a mom is all about bonding with your daughter.  I mean, of course, being mum means you have to think about your daughter's health, food, educations, relationship with her friends...but for now, being a mom for me is about that: bonding with my daughter.

She still drinks formula milk and breastfeed, so I don't have to fret about her food as long as the formula suits her fine.  We have a nanny to watch her while she's sleeping during the day so I have my own times and do other things.  She's well provided for other things.

But see, here's one thing she needs from me:  me.  My attention, my communicating to her without words that I love her.  Me touching her hands, stroking her cheeks, soothing her, telling her comforting words when she cried over soiled diapers, while she wait for the milk to be ready.  
Last nite she was up for no reasons: having just been fed, diapers still clean.  and she started to cry.  I dunno what happened, but somehow I know not to be panic, to hold her in my arms, hold her closer to me, hugging her, and singing lullaby to her.  Somehow I felt perfectly calm and my love for her just...flowing...

And you know what??? she calms down!  she stopped crying.  She stared at me calmly, and soon her eyes started to close.  She looked SO SO cute when she tried to keep them open, but soon she just slept.  slept awefully well too.

That's when i realize: this thing is irreplacable.  I could get nanny, could send her to the best school, could clothe and hired a nutritionist to make sure she eats good for cryin out loud: the point is, for other things, you can spend money to provide for your child, but not bonding.

Not that relationship though, unsaid words between parents and children.  That, you need to work on.  That, you need to establish.  That, gives you a true thrill of being parents...

Starlight, Starbright!!

Well, actually, I'm writing this on Monday noon (miss "Friends" on StarWorld channel) having been up since 4:30 this morning.

Ming is going for one day trip to Singapore and should be back tonite.  I still get 5 hours sleep at nite.  I still have 13 KG weight gain (yup, lost another 1KG on my third day, YAY!!), still don't know about the shipment, still not talking to mum...but somehow, the world seems much brighter today.

I started my dat at 4:30.  My baby was not up yet, but Ming had to prepare to go to the airport.  I thought, when he takes a trip like this without us, I want my baby to be presentable so he can kiss her goodbye without the dirty diapers.  So I changed her diaper, prepare for her feed, and up at 5:00 am watching TV while waiting for Ming.  Fifteen minutes later both of us say goodbye to Ming at the gate.

I know it sounds silly.   When I grew up, my mum made it a must that all three of us kissed our daddy goodbye whenever he had to go out of town.  no mater if we're still in the middle of a nap, or doing something else, we stopped and kissed him and waved goodbye at him in the front porch.   So I want my baby to do that too to her daddy.

Then afterwards, I gave the vitamins to my baby, placed her under the morning sun for 15 minutes, gave her to her nanny while I check my emails for a while.  

By 9:00 she's bathed already.  she should have her lunch in 30 minutes, so I still have time to write some more.

Anyway, now her nanny stays with her when she sleeps during the day.  But I asked her to call me whenever my baby is up for a feed.  I want to hold her when she opens her eyes...hahahaha....(after her wash in the afternoon around 4pm, we care for the baby ourselves until the next morning at 8:00)

Oh, another thing that makes me happy is....i got to wash my hair today!!!!

HUAHUHAUHAUAA....It's a (stupid) custom that once you give birth, you're not supposed to wash your hair for 40 days and only took a shower with warm water from freshly boiled ginger and herbs.  While i don't mind and actually love the smell of the ginger, it's really driving me crazy not to wash my hair for one week.  

Mind you, Indonesia is VERY VERY HOT and HUMID and DUSTY and make you SWEATY.  Not a good combination for keeping your hair clean and making you feel fresh.

The record so far is 29 days: my colleague at work gave up when a small bug tried to enter her ear since her hair was just so filthy (IUUUCCHHHH).  I have not known one modern person who waited for 40 days.

So anyway, I took a shower, wash my hair, dried it up, put clothes other than pajama (I only wear pajamas for the past week and sick and tired of it), and (gosh I can't believe I did this) put on light make up just so I don't despise my reflection in the mirror.  

and I feel AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahhaa...

I don't know if I took a huge risk in the future (like all the ol people sayin) by washing my hair after just one week giving birth, but I think I'm willing to risk it in exchange for my current sanity.

Anyways, everything is fine now. Tomorrow we have to go to the hospital for our baby's first check up ... and now I plan to enjoy my day, and my baby...

Baby Blues....

What day is it today?  I think it's Sunday, which means it's the third day since we brought our baby home...I lost count of the days...

Anyway, we brought home our baby on Friday noon.  I carried her myself, despite the custom that someone else should do it.  At first, it was supposed to be my mum, but my hubby insisted I did it.  When she was born, Felicia was 3.25 KG.  But when released from the hospital, she's 3.2KG.  

But boy she's heavy!! and because my hubby drove slowly, I almost fell asleep carrying her!  But everything is great and well by the time we got home.  (Oh, did I mention that my tummy - not the stiches- hurted a lot after the operation?  apparently it's because this medicine that the doctor gave me to make the womb smaller.  It was horrible on Friday, and having gurita helped a lot.  but now it's okay).

Once we got home, there's so many things to do and unpack.  Took care of the dirty laundry from the hospital.  Remembering where I put the baby stuffs at home.  arranging the gifts from visitors (which are still unopened now, placed nicely in the living room).  preparing the bottles, unpacking the little baby stuffs I brought to the hospital.  And before you knew it, Felicia was up again and asking for a feed.  

Then I still have to take a shower (only allowed once a day, with warm water, boiled ginger and some herbs, it takes two hours to boil and have everything ready).  

Oh yeah, because I delivered earlier on the 9th instead of 20th, our nanny could only start working on 13th, the day after we took home the baby.  So for the first day, it was just the two of us.  with maids of course, but we dealt with the baby ourselves.

At night, I was spent.  I slept when the baby slepts, and up when she's up (which was every 2. 5 hours, minus the half hour of changing the diaper, preparing for the formula and feeding the baby, I only got 1.5hr sleep in between).  She was up quite a lot the first night, and pooed and peed, and ate.  The last hour was at dawn, around 4 am, when Ming and I were both up caring for her.

Then few hours later, when I was still too dazed and really, really, really wanted to sleep, I remember that i had to give her medicine by 6 am and placed her under the morning sun for 15 minutes before 9 am.  which, considering how hot the sun is nowadays, I had to be awake early.

So by 7 am I gave her the medicine, by 7:15 I was carrying her around the house looking for the right place to get the perfect morning sunrays, and by 8am after everything was done, i had to prepare for her feed and feed her.  

By that time, i was an emotional wreck already.  I felt like, that's it.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I've never been this tired my whole life!! (though I had stayed awake the whole nite for last minute studying during my college days, this time, it was different!).  But everytime I hold my baby in my arms, somehow I got new strength.  I didn't feel sleepy at all.  I still found the strength to smile and laugh and talk to her sincerely.

But once I put her down, everything returns.  Worrying if I could get through the day, thinking about the so many things to do to prepare for the next feed.  Then if I got that under control,  I started thinking about my 14KG weight gain I still retained after giving birth, my still swollen feet and now in addition, my puffy eyes and swollen face due to lack of sleep. Plus, according to custom, i should not wash my hair just yet, and it's getting unbearable and when I looked at my self in the mirror, I really hated it.  I even cried.  Thinking how was I supposed to get my previous body back (which were not thin and slim to begin with!!).

Then if got THOSE thoughts under control (C'mon Vi, you just GAVE birth less than a week ago, and Ming didn't say anything about that yet, and you once lost 10KG, you can do it again!!), than I started to think about my job.  How this monday Ming has to go to Singapore himself to care for it, wishing my customers will receive their goods on time, hoping that they would not be too upset if they didn't.  Thinking if there was anything I could have done to prepare the shipment better.  Thinking THERE WAS something I should have done, but perhaps didn't, or forgot about it, or didn't think that far, and how stupid and careless and incompetent I was...

Then all these three thoughts: being incompetent mum, being ugly fat woman, being a lousy marketer, really drove me to tears.  I've never cried so many times in the last three days.

Anyways, I still have these thoughts now, but i tried to talk to myself that I need to get my priority straight.  Which is our baby.  I cannot be like this.  My baby can feel my anguish, and she needs me in a sound mind to care for her.  

Last nite our nanny came, her presence helped a lot.  meaning that I know I can leave my baby for few moments with her if I need to use the bathroom, to eat, or simply, to have my own time like writing this post.  I haven't fully trusted her yet, but she's there now in the nursery room to watch my baby sleep.  yup.  that's all she has to do now (done with the dirty diapers and bottles washing).  The baby still sleeps with us at night, I still feed her, and I got my relative (who was the head of OR nurse in Adi Husada Hospital) to bathe my baby this one month every morning (not for free of course, but it's worth it, I could ask her many things and got her assurance as professional, certified nurse).

Oh, and please don't think that watching a baby sleeps is nothing.  I tried that on my first day at home and couldn't do it.  I was instantly alert on the slightest sound, jerks, movements that she made, which means I couldn't really sleep that well and that it was more tiresome than ever...

And by the second day after I came home, I lost 1 kg.  which gives me just a lil hope that I would lose this weight gain given time, treatment, and exercise...

And today I had a fight with my mum.  Yup.  The matter is very simplet: whether to give my baby "gurita" or not.  It was ol customs to do it, and my mum did it for my sisters and I when we're just babies.  But nowadays, all doctors suggest NOT to do it.  They found out that the gurita actually caused baby's discomfort and as a result, threw up a bit after feeding.  

So I insisted otherwise.  my mum been complaining about that these past few days and today she snapped, she yelled at me for not doing it (which she would deny and would tell anyone that she didn't yell).  And I was upset (probably because lack of sleep too, though last nite was better than first nite) because I thought, I was given an advice by the doctor, this is MY baby, I should have a say on that, rite?

My mum insisted that having giving birth for three baby girls, she knew better on this matter compare to my doctor.  We both think we knew better for the baby, but our opinions are on the opposite matters.

I hated it.  Not the advice, but the way she put it.  I felt like she treated me like a child again.  in my own house, with my own baby.  In the end she told me dad,"liaten tah, udel e bayine jadi bodong ini lho, gara gara vivi gak mau nurut!" to which I yelled from the dining room "Bano!!"  terus mamaku bilang, "kamu gak takut dosa tah, ngomong sama mama kaya gitu??"  To which I really could not control it anymore and just started crying my eyes out.  i told her and my dad that she came to my house at 9 am and started yelling at me ( to which of course, she denied), and I just couldn't take it.  This is MY baby we're talking about!!! and she said, she knows better than me, that i made a lot of mistakes, kalo aku ini anak kurang ajar gak bisa diomongi...

In the end, of course, she got what she wants, putting gurita on.  I simply cannot stand being there, having people ignore what I think it's good for my baby, and I was simply too tired to fight.

Then she got the last words, of course, saying those things about me, then saying that she has sacrificed a lot, waking up at 4 am making me special food and how I do not appreciate her at all, and said that she won't come to my house again.

Ming was still asleep, my dad tried to talk to both of us, saying to my mum she shouldn't be too harsh on me, and to me that I could just take the gurita off after my mum left.

then when my eyes are still swelling, my parents in law came.  

Anyway, it's noon now and I haven't eaten at all except for couple slice of bread for breakfast.

I lost my appetite from all what's been happening...and now in addition to the horrible three thoughts I still have to struggle with, now there are new problems with my mum...

ZZzzzZzzzzzzzzzzz

Today Felicia only accompanied me until noon. Terus waktu dokter anaknya dateng, katanya Felicia agak kuning, jadi mesti disinar. Apparently, this condition is very common, and almost always most newborn required this treatment. They will complete the treatment tomorrow noon, then I can bring her home with me...

At first, i really, really, hate the idea that she'd be separated from me and that I couldn't hold her anytime I want. And I really felt not rite. But after an hour, I took a nap and slept the entire day!!! I slept and slept and slept...I could barely recall my obgyn's visit. even when I had lunch with Ming, it felt like half dreaming.

Anyway, this afternoon I got my first chance of seeing her among other new borns (I usually always take her to my room). And I have to agree with my parents and in laws, that she IS the most beautiful baby in the room!!! hahahahaha....

But they also said I shouldn't sing praises in front of her!! shouldn't tell her how beautiful she is, how smart, etc. WTF??? I have just had my tummy SLICED open for this angel, my body completely disfigured ( I watched my tummy and even when i hold my breath, it won't move. It's like, there's ABSOLUTELY no muscle left. Already worried if I can have it back as before), carrying her for nine months, but I cannot tell her that she's beautiful.

No wonder girls often has low self-esteemed (me included). I told my mum I really, really cannot see their point. And I WILL tell my daughter that she's beautiful, smart, and well loved by her parents.

Anyway, the effect of the wonder-drug started to wear off, rite now I can begin feeling the stitches, especially when I wake up from my bed, get up from sitting position, laughing...it doesn't hurt that much really, but it's there, and it's annoying, and it's ... well, creepy...My mum saw the stitches, and she said it's done wonderfully. I guess it means it won't leave an ugly mark.

Right now it's 7pm, and I'm alone again in the room with Ming. In a way, it's really great to have time just the two of us. We can pay undivided attention to each other and somehow I got to appreciate these moments more...

As I typed this, I don't think I have my full sense back. Sometimes I still feel like i can just close my eyes and sleep for another 15 hours straight.

Oh well...I can't wait for tomorrow ...

Ta Da!!!!

So for those of you who choose a more "direct" way of giving birth, here's what really happened to me on 9 October 2007...

In Indonesia, when you have C-Section, people automatically assume that you chose the date not just because of pretty date, like 7-7-7, but the date has to be "good" for the baby. For example, Ming and I were born on this date and that date. At this hour and at that hour. That means, it is best that our baby girl is born on certain date and certain hour.

The first choice was of course, October 20th, at 9:30am. The goodness scale exceeds 6. See, for a baby girl, she is consider having "average luck" if the scale is above 3. above 5 is good, 6 is great, and 7 they said has the luck of a king!

But since my baby is ready far before that date, we have second opinion, on October 9th, between 7 to 9 am. It must not be at 11 am for some reasons. Anyways, if it's between 7 to 9 am, that means the baby has "luck factor" above 5 scale, very smart and creative, will enjoy a good old age, and loves her dad very much.

And so, we figure that this date is as good as we can expect for second choice and I request my obgyn that the baby has to be delivered before 9am. My obgyn put the schedule at 8:30 am.

So I had to go fasting the day before, starting at midnite. Suggestion: since you won't be able to drink or eat after the surgery before you fart, drink a lot before you fast. So I set up the alarm at 11:50 pm. I drank two glasses of warm water.

By 4:45 am, the nurse woke me up for a shower and a shave. Yup, I guess you all know that shaving down there is a must before C section. By 7:00 they put in the IV, give me horrible injection for allergy test.

They moved me to operation room at 7:30, and kept me there for observation of the baby's heart beat and to calm me down. At 8:00, they moved me to the room where they're gonna cut me open. By this time I'm worried sick and almost have a nervous breakdown. I've never felt so alone. I mean, when I have curretage, I was unconscious, so that was okay. But this time I will be half awake!!!

At 8:15, the anasthesyst (I gave up, don't know how to spell this) came and gave me the injection to my back. First I had to lay on my side, my back facing him. Then I had to pull my knee to my tummy as far as I could, and hold my knee with my hand. Then I have to bring my chin to my tummy to form a fetal position, and one of the nurse hold me down like that.

He gave the injection, which really doesn't hurt that much. Most people said it's horrible, but it's the same with having the IV in (the allergic test injection is much worse). Then my feet began to have goosebumps, then the skin felt thicker and thicker until I basically couldn't move them. I still feel something, and when the nurse gave me a light touch I can still tell, but I cannot feel.

Anyways, the nurse told me that I would have difficulty breathing because after the drug kicks in, the muscle on my tummy relaxes and will press my lungs. And it did happen that way, so I was okay with it.

What they forgot to tell me was, as I rapidly lose any sensation on my lower body, I also had difficulty speaking and I felt like throwing up. But since I had problem breathing as well, this must-throw-up sensation has the effect of OMG-I-GOT-CHOKED feeling.

I started to panic, especially since both my hands were restrained on the sides. I could not move, could not scream, and could not breath. tears were streaming down and i thought for the briefest 5 seconds, this is it, I'm going to die. my heartbeat was quite frantic by then, going horribly fast, as announced by the monitor.

Then the OR nurse coached me to take deep breath and exhale through mouth. She said everytime I panicked, I should do that to keep my heartbeat under control. Otherwise it won't be good and the obgyn cannot start.

I've heard my obgyn's voice, but i cannot see him. The room started to spin and the voices started to echo. I told the OR Nurse to please accompany me, to always by my side. The thing is, I can only whisper at this point, and I was worried that I felt something's wrong, I wouldn't be able to scream. So it's comforting to know that the nurse was near me and could hear me.

Anyway, I became very sleepy and started to drift off to sleep when I heard the nurse saying that my obgyn has started to cut me open. I was waiting for what my friends told me the process of "yanking the baby out", which they all said they could feel it, but it didn't hurt.

However, i didn't know how much later, but the next thing I knew, I heard a faint cry. Was that my baby??? the nurse told me, yes, I have given birth already. I asked the time, it was 8:50 am. Then I asked how come the cry was so weak...but my obgyn assured me that my baby cried just fine, that the baby was born 3.25KG. Quite big considering I was having the C section two weeks earlier than my due date.

Then they brought me my baby...she was all wrinkly, her lips were blood red, she was crying, and all I could think of is..."Felicia...what are you doing outside my tummy??!! I'm gonna miss your kicks...and...is it really you??? You look SO different from what I had in mind..."

I kissed her, and at that time, my tears were streaming down my cheeks...I'm so happy...

Then I passed out.

An hour after, in the observational room, I woke up to Ming's voice. He told me the baby is 3.25KG. she was 48 cm. And everyone says she looks exactly like Ming. I tried to talk to Ming but I couldn't say much, felt so sleepy. After that brief chance, they told Ming to wait outside.

But by then I couldn't keep my eyes closed. Thanks to this great medicine, I didn't feel any kind of pain, while the two new moms next to me who also had the C section were moaning from the aftermath of the stitches and the gradual loss of the pain killer.


They took me back to my room at 11 am. by 14:00 I was able to jerk my feet, by 16:00 I could move my feet as normal.

For the rest of the day though, I had to lie down on my bed.

They brought Felicia to our room at 21:00 at our request, and she looked different already in 12 hours!!..

This morning I had the IV out, the cateter stopped.

Felicia came to our bedroom at 6:00 am. They taught me how to change the diaper, to wipe her when she pooed or peed. to give her formula milk, the right position to breastfeed. I haven't been able to breastfeed yet, but they said to keep trying everytime before Felicia took the formula milk.

Anyway...So I spent the whole day with Felicia, changing her diapers, feeding her, and by 14:30, I was spent. I asked the nurses to bring her back to the baby room and I had a great 2 hours nap.

The guests came all the time: my bestfriends from highschool, then my cousins, then my former colleague, then my mum in law, then my co workers, then my sister and dad in law, then my uncle and aunt.

By 8:30 (now), I could barely type this post with my eyes open.

and I was just on my first day as a mom....

More pics!

Baby viewing room and our baby!! (The first one on the left, pink denotes females while blue denotes males)







We had the baby brought into our room for some quality time together! And I had no problem holding her at all, hehe :)



Vivi going into the operation room in the morning.

Thanks for all the warm wishes and congratulations for us and the babies!

Happy parents,

Lawrence & Vivi

Baby pics!

Latest baby pics, I will post more when they open the baby viewing room.

Latest Pictures!!

Enjoy the latest pictures!!



Baby equipment



Stylin' in pajama and with dad! (take it Cici)



Swollen foot (with nasty toe nails, ewwwww)

The Final Countdown....

So here we are, Ming and I, at Mitra Keluarga hospital, less than 14 hours away before my C-section. And yes, we do bring laptop here. and full fledge camera bag, with Canon 30D and whole range of lenses. And PS2, and Zen Creative thingy. And a suitcase full of our clothes. Another bag full of what we may or may not need for the baby. And another bag of baby's clothes and cloth diapers and gurita which we, again, may or may not need.

Also bring a list of my customers' contact number.

Thing is, because this is our first baby, we don't know what to expect and what we would need. Since our house is quite at the opposite side of the city, and since I couldn't possibly expect Ming to know where I keep all of the baby needs, I figure might as well bring them. If I'm not sure, then I bring it.

So when we got here, one of the nurse actually shook her head, watching the things we brought....hehehhe....oh well, I will be staying close to one week here...so what do you expect??

Being in SVIP room has its own advantage. We have a nice bed for Ming, two comfy chairs, dining table for four, two TVs, Refrigeration, KableVision, Microwave. For 1.2jt per night, it better be good.

Of course, sometimes I cannot think of the final bill. Oh well, this is special "request" from my dad in law, and Ming told me it's okay and he fully supports it. So I guess I shouldn't worry too much about the final bill. Oh, and we're suppose to check out around Saturday. But somehow according to the custom (not clear what custom), it's not good, so it seems that I'm going to stay for another night here till Sunday if we're not ready to leave on Friday.

Well, I still went to the office today, finishing some stuffs at work. then around 2:30 we went to the hospital, stopping by my favourite Vietnamese restaurant, LEMONGRASS for early dinner. I figure, I won't be able to eat there for quite some time anyway...

Then we arrived in the hospital at 4:30, finished the administration by 5 pm. Then had a lil observation in Kamar Bersalin (what's the english for this?). They're checking my weight ( a total weight gain of 18KG apparently!!!) and we heard our baby's heart beat (the most beautiful noise ever!).

Then we all realize that my obgyn forgot to tell me to take a blood test in preparation for the C section, which means I had to take it now in the hospital with the rate adjusted to the room, which means, the most expensive one... (yaiks!!!!).

They drew blood with this quite big needle, which though it only itched like mosquito bite, it's pretty unnerving to watch since they took three vials. Then the nurse said they're going to have the "Bleeding Test". Which sounds more horrible than it actually is.

They used like a tool like a pencil, than they hurt your...hm...itu lho, bagian telinga yang ditindik itu. At first I was like, WHAT???? Bleeding Test????and the nurse said, don't worry, it's not as bad as ear piercing. And I told her, well, I was a baby back then so I have no idea how painful ear piercing is!! and she said, well, let me get you a less scary equipment then.

Seriously, she said "Less Scary Equipment" which isn't comforting at all.

To top it all, I ask Ming to hold my hand because I'm so nervous (Gimme a break: BLEEDING TEST and LESS SCARY EQUIPMENT are not nice words). And Ming refuses!!!!!

That son of @&^#*@^#*^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (love him though..now that I think about it, it's actually kinda cute)

I know he's scared of blood, but he didn't have to see it!! he only has to hold my hand!!! and yet
he refuses, he looked somewhere else and wouldn't go near me!!!

Oh well...apparently it doesn't hurt AT ALL. I don't feel anything actually.

But I was laughing out loud when the nurse did it.

Bad Habit.

Last time when they put IV inside, I also laughed out loud coz I'm so terrified.

I'm worry if tomorrow when my obgyn is cutting me open I will laugh myself silly because I'm so nervous and terrified. I certainly hope not. but it always happened. I cried and laughed at the same time when faced with these things...

Oh well, it's 6:45 pm now. Just finished taking a shower and had dinner. Ming is out buying a mousepad (we forgot to bring one). And I'm all alone here, waiting for my parents' visit.

Oh well...better end this now and watch some movie.

Can't wait till my next post when I'll officially be a mom!!!

The criteria of great husband

Since i hope my daughter will be reading this in the future, suddenlyi feel it's important to write this one down, when things are still fresh in my memory.

So, baby Felicia, one day you will meet a lot of different types of men. and boys.  

Man who's a metrosexual, you know that type: he will spend more time and money than you to look good, with the latest designer shirt, with squeaky clean and impeccable fashion and accessories such as wide belt, tight pants, things like that.  The type that will make your mum snorts and laughs hysterically behind his back and your dad asking: is he gay? (not that we're homophobic)

Man who's into sports, who spent hours routinely at the gym.  Who always talks about the importance of healthy food, exercise, and ... well, exercise.  Who knows everyone at the gym and they know him.  

Man who's a workaholic.  Whose life is about his work, who lives to work.  

Man who's a jock.  Well liked and looked upon by his pack of friends.  who seems to know anyone and become the centre of the attention at the parties.  and friends who makes you have to compete for his attention.  Who puts his friends first, and see later if you're good enough to take that place  (my advice: stay away from this kind of guy.  he's a good accesory to a party, but definately not a good companion to your life.  if you have to prove someone you're worth it, than he's not worth it since he can't see just how lucky he is to get you).

Man who's quiet and reserved.  Who has no friend, or at least no one close enough for him to really care.  

and other types of man.

I don't know what kind of man that will get your attention (that lucky bastard!), and surely he will have to get your dad's approval (who's a much better judge of character than me, i must say).  And it doesn't really matter as long as he loves you unconditionally, and accepts you for who you are (physically, mentally, and emotionally), and knows and appreciates how wonderful you are as a woman, as a human being.

Above all that, though, is that he can make you laugh.  Like your dad did to me.

I was crying almost hysterically yesterday out of sheer confusion on whether or not to give birth to you earlier or later.  Mind you, you're the first child I've had, and it wasn't an easy call.  Then your dad came, and somehow, within 15 minutes he manages to calm me down, soothe me, make me smile, and finally, make me laugh like a silly girl.

He always manages to do that.  his timing is always perfect.  and I adore him for that.

So, yes, laughter is one of the most important thing in a marriage.  If you're about to spend the rest of your long life with a man, I strongly suggest you to make sure that the man you choose can make you laugh.  

he doesn't have to be the class clown who makes everybody laughs and laughs AT him.  

NO, far from it.  he can make you laugh WITH him.  brighten your day, ease your pain.  No matter if he's quiet and reserved to others.  It's even better since you two will have your own private jokes.  

Anyway, to love you unconditionally and to make you laugh, these, i think, are few of the criteria of a a great husband that you should never forget.

How do you know if he loves you unconditionally?  well, we'll sit down and have a long conversation about that later...

i had a dream...

two nights ago.

in my dream, i woke up and told the nurses that I'm ready for operation.

The nurse told me, Ma'am, you already had operation, afterwards, you slept the whole day yesterday (to which I thought, cool! it didn't hurt one bit), and see, here's your baby....

she handed me my baby, who is really healthy and beautiful, with only one exception: her hair is as white as fresh snow.  But in my dream, i thought nothing of it, and when I hold her in my arms, her hair returned to normal jet black, and I'm in seventh heaven, holding my baby.

believe it or not, I even dreamt of breastfeeding my baby afterwards.  and it all looks so real that the first thing I thought when i woke up is, Where's my baby?  then I saw my tummy and realized it's just a dream...

at first, i really thought that the white hair in my dream is really a sign that the baby is old enough to be born....but logically, it's not really a good idea to decide based on a dream, rite?

AAARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Good night sleep: check
Obgyn's advice: check
second doctor's opinion: check
Hubby's support: check
second option date of birth: check
suitcase of mom and baby's needs: check
operation room and obgyn's appointment on second option dob: check

decision whether to give birth earlier than 20th: .................
[ehm] DECISION WHETHER TO GIVE BIRTH EARLIER THAN 20TH: !(@^*%#^&?!!


After frantic phone calls lobbying and gathering support from in laws, parents, doctors (including Sheila's dad who I think was taking a nap - maap dok - and who thinks that really, Vi, it will be okay, the baby IS ready.  seriously), and even go so far as making reservation in the hospital for the second option date of birth AND HOUR, I woke up this morning at 5:45 and cannot close my eyes, thinking, seriously, SHOULD I GIVE BIRTH EARLIER????

I mean, here's the pro: the doctors said the baby is ready, and if I have the baby earlier, I can bring home the baby during the long Lebaran holiday, which gives me and Ming time and space to adjust to being new parents without worrying about work, without Ming having to wake up at 6:30 am for work and returned at 6:30pm.  Ming will have plenty of time to enjoy and adjust to our baby and subsequently I will have benefit from this one too because he will be able to give me much needed supports, instead of leaving me alone at home with our baby.  well, okay, not alone, there will be nanny and maids, and my parents and ming's nanny who's been with this family for the last 32 years.

and here's the cons: what if the baby is NOT ready?  I heard so many stories of how the lung has not developed, how even if the baby is really ready, but because she is too young, she has troubles eating.  what if the doctors are wrong?

Here I am, facing the first major decision as a mom:  should I give birth early?  

and here I am, unable to answer.

What kind of mum would I be???

I mean, I'm used to making major decisions: what major I should take at college, whether to stay in Canada or go back to Indonesia, whether to break up with boyfriends, whether to take a job offering or quitting.  those sorts of decisions that really lead me to where I am today.

And I gotta say that difficult those things are, I think I made the correct decisions.  and even if I did make mistakes from time to time, it is only ME who has to pay for it.  and that's okay.  I knew the risk and willing to pay the price.

but now....my decision will influence the life of our new born.  

a lil voice inside of me think: that's not fair!!!  you can't make me do that!!! (whoever "you" here is, i really don't know).

another voice said: D'uh!! that's what being a mom really is about: making tough decisions for your young ones until they can make their own and be responsible for it.  i definately should get something for MY mom this mother's day.

Thing is, I know that regardless of all the above check list, I know in the end it has to be MY decision.  and I know, that would mean that I have to be ready to pay the price, take the risks and be responsible.  ME, the mum, not Ming, not the doctors, not my parents.  

and this time, I don't know if I'm able to do that...

???

tell me, how do you put comment on your own blog?

Now or Later?

So yesterday I went to my doctor for my weekly check up.  Once he saw me, the first thing he asked is, "Are you sure you could wait until Oct 20th?"  

Well, how am I supposed to know when the baby wants to go out?  His exact words are, "Ini bayinya sudah mateng...sudah siap lahir sekarang, bukan lagi prematur"  So now I have two options, to go ahead with the original birthdate, or to give birth earlier.  

Honestly at this time, I really don't mind either way.  I'm not scared anymore, I mean, I'm bound to do it sooner or later anyway, and i just thought, why not sooner??

But seriously, we're talking about giving birth to a human being here...I mean, you can't just thought, hei, this saturday I have nothing to do, why don't I just check in the hospital and give birth?  I mean, can you do that?  then again, what else there is to it?  I chose to have operation, have the date picked anyway, and it's ME who's about to give birth, MY body, MY swollen feet and fingers, MY 20KG weight gain, MY stretch marks.  

Why not MY decision then?

I went to two doctors, VERY experienced doctors who knows what they're doing, and both said that my baby is actually ready.  NOW.  

Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is, OMG, I plan to have shipment next friday, I can't just lay down in the hospital!!  but then, I called my customers and they've been very understanding and cooperative.  They all asked how my baby is doing, and when I told them that I'm considering to have earlier date, somehow they help me pull it all together so that the shipment can actually be ready by the end of this week, and I really don't have to worry or think about it next week.

I know it sounds crazy, but I'm quite preoccupied with my job these past few weeks.  believe it or not, yesterday while waiting for the doctor in the hospital, i took my job and completed it in the cafetaria!  

But i guess I should have my priority straightened up now.  

Ming has been very sweet the past few weeks.  dealing with my mood swing, me sulking, getting me comfort food I want, very understanding when i complain of the baby's kicks.  He made me laugh a LOT.

And he offered to go to the person who can tell which dates are good for the birth to ask for earlier date.

but I know in the end it has to be my decision.

so what should i do????

A good sleep

is increasingly difficult to get lately.

And last night was the most horrible of all.  I went to bed at around 8 pm, exhausted from work.  I slept with major headache and have my pillows propped up high.  Thing is, when you're nine months pregnant, it's almost impossible to sleep with low pillow.  It's just too difficult to breathe.

In fact, i got so big now that even if I lay on my side immediately, I'm still having problem breathing.  I have to put the pillows up first and then after about couple of hours, i can lower the pillows.  Yup, there's a trick of arranging the pillow just so you can breathe...can you believe that??

anyway, unfortunately i fell asleep almost immediately and only woke up five hours later, around 1 am.  Then, not only my head was still throbbing, my neck was killing me.  

On top of it all, my baby seems to find a trampoline inside my tummy.  She's very active and jumpy inside and sometimes it actually hurts.  I really, really, really wanted to cry.

I had lots of things to do at work this morning, so there's no way I could skip work.  But I couldn't sleep with all the pains, and I couldn't take any medicine to ease them.  

For the first time, I thought, perhaps since I'm having a cesarean, I should re-schedule it earlier than the original date (which is less than three weeks away).  After all, according to Sheila's dad my baby is actually big enough to be born on October 9th! two weeks earlier than due date and like...less than one week away!.  

I love my baby, but somehow i think being pregnant has nothing to do with your baby (doesn't make any sense huh?)  It's like, you have no control over your body, who keeps on expanding, swelling, and hurting, and boy it is heavy!!!  

I felt no better in the morning, but a glass of warm water with couple spoonfulls of honey eases the headache a bit.  

I went home earlier hoping to get some rest while waiting for the guy who installed my new washing machine did his job.  But it was not meant to be...from our vet who came to check on one of my poms, delivery from pharmacy, things to get for the washing machine (since somehow something didn't fit), there's always something that keeps me awake.

Now it's 4:35 pm.  I'm really exhausted, sleepy, and hungry again.  But the guy hadn't finished.  He had to buy some other part and will return shortly to complete the installations.  

In a way, life does get much complicated once you got married.  before, it was my dad who did all these (and I wondered why he sometimes complained).  Now, it's me, since Ming couldn't possibly go home from work to take care of these small details.

Anyway...never mind that.

Tomorrow noon I'll be going to my obgyn for weekly check up, and afterwards I'm going with my friends.  I need a break.