Happy 3rd Birthday Felicia!!

May you become the best in what you do!!

Cheers from Dad & Mom

Early present for my wife (*)

Well, Vivi has been wanting to get her own dirty lil' laptop for a while, a device where she can "browse any perverted things that she likes and wrote all kinds of private** notes without other people reading it". So after quite a few trips to different computer buildings (two, but they are kind of far apart) in the HOT and HUMID weather in Hong Kong after spending 8 hrs of working!!!, going between multiple shops to haggle and to compare, we (yes, the royal we) present you:

TADAAAAAH!

The ASUS EEE Netbook PC 1001-Px, the latest mid-range model with all the connectivity you need and a (claimed) 6-hrs battery life, all for the cheap cheap price of US$ 299!! (our expertise fee not included). 

Congrats!

Yay me

Explanation:
(*) present mentioned involved only the labor part of the purchase, including but not limited to: time spent to read reviews of the said netbook, time spent to browse multiple locations to find the best deal for the netbook, time spent to haggle between the multiple shops to find the one with the best price for the netbook. At US$ 299 / hr this expertise fee can add up to quite a few! Actual material price of the netbook will still have to be borne by the person wanting the said notebook.
(**) usually dirty laundry notes

Day 5: Tea, anyone?

Yeah, I know ... the holiday plans are kind of getting less and less interesting, but at least I keep my promise NOT getting stuck at home all the time and doing things I want to do.

So today we're having an Afternoon Tea in Hotel Majapahit. For only Rp. 50,000 NETT (that's less than EUR5), we can get tea or coffee, together with a stack of snacks...to be exact, three tiers of snack.

I chose Semarang Delight, which consists of Cheese Brownies (I've had better), Ham and Cheese Quiche, and small vegetarian sandwiches. The only complain I had was that they should have installed more comfortable sofas at the lobby and should have prohibited or separated smokers. I don't particularly mind actually, but the Mink started to bitch and complain about the smokers and that really annoyed me.

Anyway, tomorrow Ming will be going to Hong Kong for week long Trade Show, so tonight we'll bring Felicia for some play time in Food Festival/Laguna...

The nanny will be going home tomorrow until the 18th, so I don't know if I can continue with my holiday plans, but nevermind, I don't have that much things to do anyway. So far I only have these couple of plans left that I haven't got the chance to do:

• Manicure/Pedicure
• Creambath & have a hair cut
• Movies

What else should I do?

Day 4: Guilty Pleasure

I admitted, I love chick-lit; not all (I can't bring myself to read Twilight series), but if I saw the collections in my bookshelf, I really think I'm almost blushing: I have books by Julia Quinn awesome, funny, and witty historical romance), Lisa Kleypas' e-books, a bunch of Harlequins, Marian Keyes, Sheila O' Flanagan, and of course, the first chick-lit ever: Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.

I tried other genre such as Military books (One Bullet Away), travel books (Bill Bryson is my favorite), Stephen Colbert's book, and other thing, but I always find myself somehow stranded in the chick-lit/romance aisle every time I visited a book store.

So I wasn't so sure what to do on Day 4 when Ming suggested a trip to a book store here in Surabaya, Gramedia in Basuki Rahmat, I know exactly what to do on Day 4.

To be fair, I don't know if this includes in Chick-lit, but a friend of mine suggested it and it seems fun:

Wicked Lovely is the first novel in a series about a world where fairies and mortals intermingle. The story introduces Aislinn, a teen who can see the faeries around her, but who has been taught all her life to pretendnot to see them. She is struggling to cope with the faeries when Keenan, the faery Summer King, enters her life and takes away her mortality, asking her to become the Summer Queen and defeat his mother, the Winter Queen. If she refuses, Winter will take over and kill all the summer faeries and mortals alike. However, Aislinn has no desire to become part of the faerie world, and is already in love with her best friend, Seth. In the end, she cannot avoid becoming the Summer Queen, and reigns alongside Keenan over the creatures she once feared. Upon defeating the Winter Queen, Aislinn brings peace to the world of fey. She also sticks with her best friend and new lover, Seth.

(Wikipedia)

Day 3: Chicken, Dolphin, and Tears - FAIL

Today did not go so well.

This noon we went to Food Festival in Pakuwon City because of the advertised Dolphin Show. I thought with today still officially being Idul Fitri day and at noon, there wouldn't be too much crowd, as Felicia hated crowd.

We arrived at 1pm and was told that the next show would be at 2pm. I know it already and hoping that the restaurants in Food Festival would be open, but they are still closed so we went to nearby McDonalds for breakfast/lunch/brunch. Then next door is Kentucky Fried Chicken and I caved in [hung head in shame].

I got the Kombo Super Deal, 2 pcs of chicken, rice, and soft drink

After that sinfully satisfying yet calorie-packed, oily guilty pleasure meal, we went for the Dolphin show.

Now, I've always known Felicia doesn't like crowds, that's why I chose the day show. But once we arrived and paid a total of USD15 for the three of us (quite pricey for my taste), it became clear that I've undermined Felicia's dislike of crowds.

To be clear, there weren't that many people, more than half the seats were empty. But the MC was SO loud on the loudspeaker, urging non-existent ticket holders and visitors to come as the show was about to start. We're among the last to arrive and I can assure you that the parking lot was almost empty and that had there been other people who had the tickets, they wouldn't have any other choice than to go inside the makeshift venue as it was in the middle of closed restaurants; there's simply NO other place to go.

Felicia started to get anxious with all the rackets and loud music and voice. She got tensed and moved from my lap to Ming's. She's edgy and uncomfortable. Then it starts, and the MC was getting louder and then it happened: they clapped. The MC put on that special effect of clapping noise, the audience clapped, heck the seal clapped. Felicia hated the sounds of clapping. She is always upset if someone claps. If we want to compliment her on being a good girl, of solving something, of doing great on a task, the worst we could do is to clap.

She wanted to go home, and we're barely 5 minutes into the show.

I tried to distract her and it wasn't supposed to be that difficult, there were beavers pushing carts, playing basket ball, a clapping seal and two dolphins for crying out loud. and for a while she was interested with them, until they completed each task and people (and the seal) clapped in admiration. Then she really wanted to go home. No, she wanted to sleep. No, she just wanted out. No, she wanted me to stand up and moved to different place and go out and go home and sleep.

Oh, she was having runny nose as well that drove her crazy and wanted me to clean it for her and yet when I did that she said it hurt and she went crying and kicking. The dolphin hadn't even begun the attraction!

I managed to trick her until the dolphins started the attraction (after the beavers and the seal); I planned to go see the dolphin and by God she would see the dolphin. Finally they started, they made smooth, synchronized jumps circling the sad, small pool, they made smart moves here and there and for a minute, she was entranced, jaw dropped and watching them silently.

Until the audience clapped.

She's wailing in tears, and Ming gathered our belongings and we made our exit.

Just outside the venue, they have just installed the train cart, and whaddaya know, eyes still red and cheeks still wet with tears, she told us that she wanted to ride Thomas the train engine (she called all train look alike Thomas. By that time I was sweaty, tired from carrying her and couldn't help but feeling disappointed. Not at her, but just how the days turn out.

So I reminded her that she told me that she's sleepy and wanted to go home and that's what exactly what we're doing. She tried to convince us that she's not sleepy after all. too little too late. We're going home and that's that. She cried again, but we hold our ground. We're going home. No Dolphin, No Thomas.

She calmed down once we got into the car and Ming turned on the air-con. Ming asked her why she's crying and she said she didn't like the loud noise.

Oh well, at least I can say that today was quite an experience ...

Day 2: Bali Garden Bliss by Martha Tilaar

I had this:

Here:

Hotel Majapahit Surabaya (2006 - present)

formerly Mandarin Oriental Hotel Majapahit (1996 - 2006)

formerly Majapahit Hotel (1945 - 1996)

formerly LMS Hotel (1945 - 1969)

formerly Yamato Hotel (1942 - 1945)

formerly Oranje Hotel (1910 - 1942)

I have always loved the historical hotel that is also one of the most important landmarks not only for the city but also for the nation (it's mentioned in the History text books!). As a matter of fact, I love it so much that when I was growing up, I dreamed one day I would get married here.

Alas, I had never been consulted on the venue, decoration, menu, and the planning of my own wedding and the party was held somewhere else ( to be fair, I have to mention that since I did not spend a single dime for the wedding, I couldn't really complain).

So it is only natural that when I was making plan to make this year's Holiday-At-Home events, I include this hotel in one of the most anticipated itinerary : Spa Day!

The hotel's spa is run by Martha Tilaar, a household name for any traditional beauty-skin treatments/products. I called ahead and was told that a room would be available at 3 pm. The hotel is less than five minutes away from my home, which is even better.

I picked the Bali Garden Bliss package, a two and half hour of total relaxation I hadn't had in quite some time.

The room was spacious, with a bath tub, a shower, wardrobe, sink, and a massage table in the middle. The decoration is typical Indonesian, with wooden furniture and natural stone for the bathing area. It was dimly lit with lulling music in the background and soft scent from the lit aromatherapy; I went in and wanted to sleep already.

It started out...awkward, with the therapist washed my feet with scented water. After the aromatic body scrub, I took a short shower and had a ginger tea. Then proceed with sauna (in a sauna box...I know, it seemed unavoidable here), and my favorite part...the massage. Boy I hadn't had a massage in more than a month and this one couldn't come at better time. I drifted off to sleep only to wake up in the middle when the therapist asked me to turn.

The body mask was a bit too cold for my taste, but the steaming hot towel wipe afterward definitely made it all feel much, much better. Afterwards, she left me for the final treatment, the herbal bath. The water was just right, hot enough that you can feel it prickling through your aching joint, but not scalding. love it. exquisite.

I stayed in the tub until the water was lukewarm, took a shower, then called Ming to pick me up. Just as I finished paying and went to the lobby, Ming's already arrived.

The entire package cost me.... USD45 for TWO and A HALF HOURS! Have I told you that I love this country?

I promise myself I'd be back for my birthday next month for another spa package: CHOCOLATE & ROSE

hhhh... it almost makes me looking forward for my 29th birthday....

Holiday is here! Day 1: Retail Therapy

Today is the first day of the annual lebaran holiday, and this year we have more than 10 days off, which I should be grateful of and I am, but can't help feeling slightly disappointed that I don't have any overseas travelling, europe-exploring itinerary planned.

But, I refuse to drown in self pity and spent the holiday regretting things I couldn't do and places I didn't go. Instead, I would try to make the best out of it. Correction, I WILL make the best out of it.

Today had been a good start: RETAIL THERAPY

Ming, Felicia and I went to Tunjungan Plaza. I've warned him that I need some time to get some of the things I need, and he's totally okay with it and didn't even complain one bit about having to babysit Felicia while I did some shopping.

And I meant shopping, at least for my standard (have never been much of a shopper)

So I went to Sogo, since it's always the best place to start. I started out with the easiest thing to buy to warm up the shopping spirit: get some new underwear, and just for the fun of it, I chose some tacky color that I'd normally wouldn't look twice. Oh well, don't want to bore myself. Once that's done, I planned to get some new skirts and shoes, but then I saw some cute shirts that are not only available in the right size and fitted nicely, but also at discounted price!

So I went to the cashier and found the underwear was also discounted, so I thought, what the heck, I told the cashier that I'd take two of every color I chose.

After paying that, I went one floor up to find a skirt. It took a little longer, and I spent some time trying some different skirts, but wasn't convinced until I found it: a cute black skirt that again, available in my size. Just as I was about to pay, Ming called me and asked me to meet up with him and Felicia for lunch. So I postponed paying and we had nice meal in Duck King with hainam rice, ribs, tofu, and chicken dish.

Once that's done, I told him I wasn't finished and went back to Sogo. I stopped by to check some bedsheet, and was tempted to buy Bloomingdale's Jacquard sheet which was discounted from USD200 to... USD70!!! Honestly, I didn't plan to buy a bedsheet, but the lady at the counter was so eager to help that I feel bad. So I let her check if they have it in King size bed and whaddaya know, they don't! It's a divine intervention that I need, there's a few thing I hate more than spending money on things I didn't really want and regret them afterwards, let alone sleeping on them.

Then, since I was on ground floor, it's closer to get to the shoes department...I went in and headed straight to my favorite brand, Hush Puppies. The last pair of shoes I bought for work was in 2008 from the same brand (I can't believe it's been two years! well, shopaholic I am definitely not). It's comfortable, but it really worn out already. Few months ago I was about to buy new pair but instead pick a high heel slipper that wasn't really practical. Looks nice but not nice enough for party and too high for work.

So, I went in, saw it and must simply have it. It was just great. Comfortable, the heel's not too high, and they have it (yup) on my size and though it's a bit pricey I don't mind, hey, I bought shoes every two years, cut me some slack here!

it's cute and comfortable, I love the lining inside though it didn't have any point since it won't be visible once i put them on, but it's the thought that counts right?

Anyway, after paying, the cashier told me another nice surprise: with the combined purchase I made, I got a gift voucher AND a free gift. The free gift turned out to be a tacky, zebra pattern make up bag, which would make me shudder normally but hei, who cares, it's free!

After that satisfying purchase, i went upstairs to pay for my skirt, and with the discount and gift price, I only have to pay.... EUR 10 !!! mwahahahahaa...I just love this country sometimes.

So finally feeling guilty for leaving Ming to handle Felicia, I called him and we plan to meet up in Timezone, but once I got there, he told me that he's inside this timed-hourly playground and I still had few time to spare...so I headed up for this recently open furniture store.

I didn't find what I was looking for (coffee table and a nice one-seater sofa with ottoman). Well, actually, I found the sofa but it cost around USD500. It's insanely comfortable and I can so totally imagine curling up with good book on it. But I don't know if I'm ready to spend USD500 on it. Who knows, probably I'll change my mind by the time the holiday's coming to its end. Will keep you updated on it. Oh, and it's not really one seater sofa, it's more like LaZ Boy chair I found.

Anyway, I didn't buy anything there and went back to meet up with Ming and Felicia. It's 3 pm by the time we went home, and we were a bit surprised when we realized we just spent four hours in shopping malls. It never happened before, lol.

So we went home, Ming's taking care of his lovebirds, Felicia's taking a nap, and I found a reply from this online furniture shop!!!

So I need some opinion here.... I'm thinking of buying this coffee table.

I always like the traditional, wooden furniture, at least I always prefer them over the more modern one, and both Ming and I decided not to pick anything with glass since Felicia broke my side table last time. The thing is, I haven't even seen the actual goods. You know in here, craiglist and ebay is virtually unheard of and we don't normally make online purchases, especially on furniture.

BUT, here's why today is good day for shopping, this coffee table is brand new, made of mahogany and only cost....USD100 (though I'm still crossing my fingers waiting for news on shipping cost). So if I do go ahead and buy it and got disappointed...well, at least it's not that expensive anyway...

So what do you think? Should I buy it or not?

Something Positive for Good Measure

The last time Felicia hit me, I was trying to kiss her when she was watching movie.  She didn't like it, wriggled out of my hands, and hit me.  So I came to her and told her to apologize.  

I was standing in front of her, and I can imagine from a three years old point of view, I could be a very imposing and intimidating figure.  I hold both her hands in mine, like I always do before I hit her hands. She put on the blank face mask, the poker face: not showing the slightest emotion - no fear, no regrets.

 

I was about to scold her, but then I just didn't.  Instead, I kneel in front of her, smiled, and touched her cheek gently, like I always do before I kissed her. Then I asked her why she hit me.  Her face lit up, she smiled and hugged me, and said sorry twice.   

 

My daughter teaches me new things about being a mom everyday.

 

I love her.

The Truth is Out There ... Can You Handle It?

An email exerpt I wrote earlier this morning...

So I finally told mom.

 

I told her that Ming asked her to read Proverbs 25:17, which basically said not to come everyday to your neighbour's house just in case he'd grow to despise you.

 

Her reaction?  Pissed, and threatened to tell that to my dad in law. 

 

My reaction?  Pissed, and told her calmly if she ever said that to my dad in law, she can be assured i will never talk to her again.

 

She told me the same story, that she comes everyday to see felicia, to help out when the nanny was in the shower, and she always leaves whenever we arrived home.

 

I told her that this is how Ming's feel. 

 

She said I should have defended her.

 

I told her the truth, that I did.  that I have been having fights with Ming about this, and she can ask dad about it.

 

I told her it's up to her, this is what Ming really feels, and if she choose to ignore it, then there's nothing I can do but to brace myself from having fights with Ming every couple of weeks. 

 

I told her that it's not that we don't want her to come, it's just that Ming did mind if she did it every day.

 

I'm tired of getting stuck between them and dragged dad along with me.

 

I'm tired of walking on eggshells in my own home.

 

I'm tired of being made to choose sides.

 

I'm tired of being the grown up between me, ming, and mom. 

 

And I'm tired of feeling as if I have to earn mom's love.  That if I don't behave as she wishes, don't do as she say, don't believe in what she believes, then i'm a bad daughter.  So consider this a try out: I've tried to be a good daughter.  I finished my school on time, I earned my own living, I tried and kept trying.  Now, I want to step back, and be myself, and say what I want to say about how I really feel, and see if she still loves me just the same. 

 

updates: she just called me, telling me how cruel Ming is, and she's crying and being hysterical.

 

updates: dad just called me, asking what I said to mom (though he asked in a nice, gentle way) I explained to him.  I told him everything.  dad said i should have said it gently, i should have chose better situation.  I asked dad when is the right situation, when is the right time? when will ever be the right time to say this kind of thing to your own mother? and didn't HE already try to do it to mom and yet she just didn't get it?  should I just wait like he did until grandma passed away to confess that he also had problems with having grandma ALL the time?

 

I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for telling the truth, yet honesty is expected of me. 

 

I'm tired of being made to lie about how I really feel, to cover up for other people, to bear the brunt of someone's frustration. 

 

I'm tired of the emotional blackmails and feeling fucked up regardless how much I tried. 

 

I made it clear to Ming that I've already done one of the most difficult thing I've ever have to do, for his own sake. 

 

I made it clear to Ming that I'm not such a good person that I don't expect anything in return.

 

I do expect something in return.  He knows what it is. 

 

Consider this a try out: I've done the things I hate, the things I don't like to do.  and I don't want to be the only one doing it.

When the last straw hit my back...

This whole week long, I've slept for six hours or less.  Mostly less.  Wait, I know for sure it's less and they were not good, quality sleep either.   I usually catch up some sleep over the weekend, but last Sunday I woke up even earlier to go to Madura with Ming.  I didn't regret that, but I realize it's probably not the best decision, since I know I'd be paying for it all week long.  

Yesterday was the worst.

I couldn't sleep last night.  

The whole day yesterday I was physically exhausted, and I thought I'd go home early and take a nap.  My eyes were shut, but I didn't really drift off to sleep.  I was beyond annoyed when the maid woke me up with loud knock for a phone call.  

Failed to take a nap, I tried reading, watching TV, and still I couldn't sleep.  I was tense for no reason at all.  Past midnight, I took two Panadol pills.  After an hour, I still couldn't sleep, so I took another one.  It still eluded me.  

I think I fell asleep around 1:18 am, or at least that's what the clock showing when I last glanced at it.  I woke up at 5:30 am and tried to sleep again but couldn't.  So I just lied down until 6:15am, when the alarm went off.

I was tired and stressed out.  Ten minutes before I fell asleep, after Ming refused to help me out and preferred other activities, I naturally picked up fight with him.  I said whatever it was that popped in my mind, my sleep-deprived, exhausted, stressed out mind, and I put no filter in it.  

I probably said some ugly, hurtful things, but even now I have to say that they were honest.  I didn't re-phrase it to make it politically correct, I didn't soften it to avoid hurting other people, and I didn't stop and wonder if I should say it or not, just in case I didn't feel the same way the following morning.

It was liberating.  For the first time in a very long while, I'm being honest about how I really feel, and I said what I want to say, when I want to say it.  I don't regret it and I won't be apologetic about it, and I certainly will not be made to feel bad about it.  

This morning, I woke up and did not feel slightly better.  The things I said are honest, but truth can be painful, and even after closing that can of worms, you can't get rid of the smell and it can still haunt you.  

I'm sorry that your life is miserable, Ming said just before we sleep, and he wasn't being nice and sympathetic.  Tell me about it, was my response, not giving a fuck about the dripping bitterness of his words.  

To his credit though, this morning when he woke up, instead of being emotionally unavailable like I predicted he would be, instead of being cold and distant like he usually did after a fight, instead of trying to point out how crazy I acted, how delusional I was, how insignificant the things I felt like I have anticipated, instead of all that, he came up from behind me, and merely gave me a big, warm hug and kissed my shoulder.  

It was one small act that divert a full blown war of the worlds I was preparing myself into.  And I don't think he even realizes it.  

This morning as I talked to some people at work, I complained about my sleepless night and my exhaustion.  I secretly felt bitter because people who work for me can just take day off if they didn't feel well, but me, the supposed future owner blah blah blah, is stuck at work no matter how bad I feel, no matter how sick I was.  See, when it comes to being the supposed future owner, I have "obligations and responsibilites" that I must learn to handle, funny how easy the higher authority dismissed any mention of privilege or perks.  Free rent and fancy ride are my perks.  Utilities and maintenance, we still have to cover.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was talking to my staffs this morning, and for some reasons we started talking about this one woman that I don't even know personally, but know about her.

When she was younger, her parents passed away.  Her older brother adopted the role of her parents, then he passed away too.  She got married, and have five kids.  FIVE.  The younger one was still a toddler when her husband passed away too.

Even when her husband was still alive, she's used to take care of everything: when the roof of her house gave way, she called the maintenance people, mixed the cement herself and didn't hesitate to climb on the roof to fix it.  She used motorcycle to drive her three kids to school, to pick them up and took them to extra curricular activities.  She baked cakes herself to give away to other people for her children's first month celebration.  

She is the true wonder woman.

Suddenly I realized something, a truth that is more honest than everything I've said last night: That I need to shut up about not being able to sleep to my co-workers.  

Ewwwww

Such a short, simple word

As a matter of fact, I doubt it's officially a word.

But boy I'd never thought it could be very painful,  especially when it's coming from one's husband, uttered after seeing one's picture.

Day 1

So yesterday I managed to pass one day at work without "blowing out"....I don't know if it's the cold medicine I took that made me feel half asleep the entire day and thus mellowed or else.

At night, I did get upset with Felicia when she head-butt me, but it's within reasons and I think I handled it well, getting my point across that it is not acceptable to joke so roughly like that.  The punishment was standard: getting her hand rapped and no reading-time for the night.  But we did spend time doing something else.

Just before she's asleep, I gave her some massage and she asked me to read for her.  I reminded her of the punishment because she's being naughty and she asked me, "Where?"  I was confused and so didn't answer at first until she said again, "Where? in the living room earlier? ooohhh, yeah" then she told me to continue giving her massage...pointed at her waist, her legs and said, "Mom, I'm so tired, give me massage here...then here..." 

So I think we're good.

Today is Day 2...let's see how it goes...

A New Day....Has NOT Come...

There's something wrong with me.

I've turned into this extremely bitchy, short-tempered, explosive woman who seems to be angry at the world.

What I don't understand is, why. 

I have a loving husband and wonderful daughter. 

My parents are healthy and still happily married, my sisters may not live in the same city with me, but thanks to emails, webcam, facebook and the whole nine yards, we always keep in touch and have great, working relationship :)

I live in a nice house, complete with maids and nanny. I drive a nice car, well, I don't really drive a car, but I do have driver(s) at my disposal.

I have a job.

I have no rights to complain.

So it's quite a mystery to me why I'm turning to this nasty person that I'm pretty sure had my former-self of five years ago met the person I become now, they wouldn't have gotten along.  

And no, I'm not having PMS.

Few days ago, I jokingly made a promise to my staffs to not raise my voice and keep my cool.  It lasted 24 hours.  It was very disturbing for me how easy I got angry if things didn't turn out quite as I've expected at work, if I didn't get what I want, if they didn't immediately understand how I want it done; even as I write this I realize how I'm acting like a petulant child instead of being a professional at work.

I used to excuse myself by saying it's all because of work pressure, it's because this is the treatment I get from the boss, it's because they are not being professional themselves.

What a load of bullshits.

Let's check, shall we? 

First of all, the company has hired two additional staffs to share the workloads, so the pressure and the stress has been cut down by 50% at least.  Second, while I should and must expect my staffs to be professional, they are still human beings who made mistakes and who actually, admittedly, most have done their best to fix it; I just don't like to receive bad news and acting unreasonable to make NO allowance, no room for mistake.  And when I do receive bad news, which is expected as I'm hired to deal with bad news and if there's no bad news then why hiring me, then I immediately got wired up, and exploded in rage.  Which is very unprofessional if you ask me.  

As for this is how I'm treated by my boss...well, I can't expect my staffs to have the same understanding with me.  This company, this "job" is basically what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.  Whether I like it or not, this is my future, my life.  But it is not so for my staffs.  I can't expect them to work for the rest of their lives here.  

When I still worked for the previous company, I loved my job, I admired the way my boss handled crisis, handled his employees, and how he earned his staff's loyalty and devotion.  Yes, devotion.  We loved our jobs, we didn't mind NOT getting paid for overtime and whenever our boss asked us to do something extra, we went out of our way to make sure it's done as he requested, we always gave 110% in what we do on daily basis and we were proud of what we do and the organization we belong to.

All those things above, unfortunately, I can't say currently my staffs felt the same way.

And I just realized that, I want them to.  I want them to be proud of the work they did, of the company they belong to.  And I know that so far, I've done absolutely nothing to improve their morale.  As a matter of fact, I've been actively destroyed and sabotaged it.  

In short, I've been a bitch who measured people as good as their contribution to this week's shipment and made no comments about their accomplishments but zeroed in their mistakes and flaws.  I'm truly a horrible person, and no, I can't sleep at night thinking about it.  

Which is why I've been actively blocking my thoughts about it until a couple of weeks ago when this employee, someone I've never met before, approached me with fear in her eyes.  

It really disturbed me.  I have never talked to her before, never seen her before, and in the first five minutes her fear is so palpable that I went above and beyond to be extra calm when talking to her and explaining twice what I want and how I want it done.  I can tell you that I've never put so much thought and effort on talking to someone.  ever.  I was happy when she met me for the second time and it's obvious that she's much less nervous and seemed assured of herself enough to ask me questions.  

I never knew her name.

Anyway, so I talked to a couple of my managers and found out that my reputation has preceded myself.  The reputation of being a nasty bitch. Ouch.

Something must change.

And it has to be me.

I must change.  Surely, deep, way deep inside of me, there's still some bits and pieces left of my former, nicer self.  Someone who believes in the good of people, who treats other courteously, who always have time and open ear to listen to their problems, who's professional at work, someone who, like Kipling said:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Only problem is, I'm not a man... :)

My Husband & The Princess of Japan

My sister, Vini, mentioned it a while ago.  

I didn't take it seriously until yesterday when I saw this picture

The young girl is Aiko, Princess Toshi, the only child of Their Imperial Highnesses Crown Prince Naruhito and Crown Princess Masako, heir apparent to the Japanese throne

Look at her closely

:

:

:

This, is the picture of my husband, Lawrence aka Mink aka Steiner, when he was about the same age of Princess Aiko

....................................  is it just me and my sister, or they both have eerie resemblance?

This is a long one

If Familiarity does breed contempt, how should one deals with one's family?

Recently I've been in a feud with my parents. It's over nothing important, it's more about some unresolved past issued mixed together with stress, sprinkled with undetected PMS, added with overly sensitive individuals, tossed with a bit of fairly insensitive and straightforward person, and boiled together with pride and stubborness on each sides, and you got this: two weeks of silence between my parents and us (me and my husband).

The first week I breezed through it: work had been quite hectic lately and so I hadn't realized a week had came and come. I feel guilty about feeling better actually. My mom dropped by my house twice a day to see Felicia, and called me at least once a day, more often 3 - 4 phone calls every day, and for some cruel coincidence, the calls usually arrived with very bad timing: the busiest hour/ the most hectic day, and so forth. Sometimes at 9:30 at night.

So, it's actually nice: I can concentrate at work, I can go home to my family and feel like it's really mine. While mom is trying to be helpful, more often, I felt...choked. Nothing is right, nothing is good enough. Almost every night she would call me to ask if Felicia is already asleep (if she didn't just drop by for the third time of the day), and if she's not, then why didn't I play with her, why didn't I spend more time with her.

If Ming and I happened to bring Felicia out, more often than not she would call us to ask where I'm taking her, to remind me that I shouldn't bring her out too late at night, to ask if the nanny came with us or not and why not and I should bring the nanny.

If Ming and I happened to be out and NOT bringing Felicia with us, she would call and asked why not. then she'd scolded me for not informing her that I plan to go out with my husband without bringing felicia because had she known she would stop by my house. then she'd stop by my house to accompany felicia, which depending on my mood that day, I'd feel either grateful or annoyed coz she made me feel like I'm a shitty mom.

She would call to tell me about what Felicia did or the funny things she said, which I'm grateful for.

Every afternoon she would call and let Felicia talked to us while we're driving home. Which is fine, except she's doing it over her cellphone, one thing that Ming has objections and we have repeatedly told her not to and to use the landline instead and instead of doing as we wished about our daughter, she'd just brushed it off saying it's only for a minute.

She'd call me to tell me where I did wrong: the way the nanny does things, the way the maids does things.

When I went out with friends of mine without Ming and Felicia, for which Ming really has no objections, she'd call if I hadn't arrived home past 8 pm, and she'd call every 10 minutes to make sure I'm on my way home. She didn't do this often, that's because I'm only going out with my friends solo at most five times per ... year

She'd do this every day.

She'd take up my husband's car space so one time when he's suddenly home during the day he couldn't park his car. When I gently advised her to always park her car a little to the left (because the space is enough for two cars but she parked using both space), instead of just do that, she became defensive and said how was she to know that my husband would come home early that day? (please tell me how can I explain nicely to my mother that my husband has every right to go home to our house whenever he wishes to, and understandably expects a car park be available)

Oh, and on more than one occasions she'd hit and broke the steps on our front porch

She'd been on my husband's nerves for the past three of our four years marriage. At one time, Ming even intended to tell her directly that she's meddling too much in our life. I tried to reason him though privately I agreed with him, and only by the Grace of God Ming changed his mind on the last minute.

I have two sisters, both are not here: one lives in Singapore, the other in Japan.

I understand that this post may upset them because I'm telling the world (or really just a handful of those of you who read this) about my mom's shortcomings. All I can tell them is, unless you went through what I've been through, unless you've dealt with our beloved mom every day for four years...please don't judge me or my husband.

The thing is, after the one blissful week of time off with my parents, the past week I've been having dreams about how I'd meet mom and we finally made peace with each other. I reasoned that I just feel guilty, but I also admit that it would be kinda nice not having this cold war with her and dad.

Then a couple of days ago, the father of a colleague of mine suddenly passed away. He received a phone call at 3pm that his dad fell, and he left work, then an hour after we received a phone call notifying us that his dad passed away.

It made me think about my parents.

Sure I'd like to go back to talking to both my parents. This quiet second week doesn't feel so peaceful anymore. But then I started to think about how if I did make peace with them, then surely the phone calls and 2-3 times daily visits will return and peace doesn't equal to peaceful as well.

How to tell my mom to back off from my life? to let loose of her iron grips from my family? to let me live my life, and yes, made my own mistakes.

I tried to tell my dad and asked him to communicate it with my mom, with no results: my dad hesitated even more to come by my house (my dad is the complete opposite of mom and never interfere and I'm actually the one who called him asking how he is), and my mom is still doing what she's always doing. Except now when she's avoiding me.

Anyways, I recently learn from my sister that actually it was to my husband that my mom was upset, and even wanted him to apologize. I had wanted to laugh crying or cry laughing when I heard that. After everything that my husband silently went through and let her make him feel uncomfortable in his own home, I don't think my husband should apologize and I don't want to make my husband apologize for the sake of her peace of mind when she didn't care one bit about his and I hate to be in the middle between my mom and my husband.

I love my mom and my dad. I know they have given everything to me and my sisters. Spend almost their entire savings so we can go to university overseas. I feel grateful. I really do. They have been a loving parents and grandparents for my daughter. My mom is a great wife, and loving but very strict mom for us and she had been wonderful when I was growing up and lived with them.

But at the same time, the older I get, I felt ... I felt that it is also true that nothing is free, and although they never asked anything in return, I still feel that the payment I'm making in other non-monetary things are getting too much for me.

I'm up to my neck and I just need to ... breathe...

I need to vent and I did just that here. Thank God for this blog.

If you have nothing nice to say about my mom or my husband, please don't say anything at all. I still love her and I do love him, I don't want anyone to badmouth either of them.

Phiew.

Told you it's a long one.

Ps: Felicia, later on when I'm too meddling in your life. Please tell me to sit down and break it to me gently. Remind me of this post.

Woo Hoo!

Tonight Ming and I crossed the Madura Straight on Suramadu Bridge and we drove to Bangkalan

Why?

Because we can.

Suramadu Bridge is the longest Bridge in Indonesia so far, connecting Surabaya, the second largest city in Indonesia with population of more than 3 millions on the island of Java and the island of Madura. Before the bridge was built, the only way to go there was by crossing the straight on ferry, like when you cross to Bali.

The bridge is as a big of a deal as the San Fransisco bridge for the Indonesians....in other words, it's only a bridge, but if you go to San Fransisco and didn't go to see the bridge, than something felt missing, you know what I mean?

I've never been to Madura and I've been wanting to go since the bridge was completed last year, but Ming had always refused to go because A) We didn't know how to go there, B) We simply didn't have any time / we have other (admittedly better) things to do, and C) again, Why?

But today he went in the morning with his friend who owns business in Madura and has to commute back and forth every day from Surabaya to Madura. His friend showed him around and he tried one of the food stalls there, Warung Bebek Sinjay, which sold VERY delicious fried duck, and he went home bringing Madura Rice for me ( I preferred that compare to fried duck, but then Ming said it's so delicious and he's not easily impressed with food so I want to try the fried duck now)

Then tonight when we went home after some errands, suddenly he asked me, want to go to Madura? It was 9 pm and I left home in the middle of writing an email assuming it's going to be a short trip, and I was thinking I'd prefer staying at home, but then....I HAD been nagging Ming to go since forever, and a little spontaneous trip to anywhere but the malls is always a welcome distraction.

So only fifteen minutes later we're already on the bridge, which is surprisingly close to my house. I know it's close, but I've never imagine it's THAT close. Anyway, there's barely any traffic and aside from few stalls right after the bridge ends, there's nothing to see all the way to Bangkalan.

Literally, there's no street lights, no buildings at all. Only darkness and some other occasional vehicles. Then we entered Bangkalan, which is like a much much quieter Pasuruan. Ming showed me where he had his lunch and where he bought the Madura Rice

The air was clear since it had been raining in the afternoon, the weather was slightly cooler than in Surabaya at 27.5C, the sky was dark, but not dark enough that you can see the stars. At 9:30pm, the town is already sleeping, and I can't believe it's only half an hour away from my home! It would take me the same time to go to my in laws' house, and even longer to our workplace, and yet it feels SO far away ...

It totally has different vibe. Different dynamic. Different world. It feels farther than Trawas or Tretes, mountain side resort towns a couple of hours away from Surabaya

Anyway, by 10pm, exactly one hour later, we're back in Surabaya, the radio playing Canon in D by Pachelbel, one of my favorites, the song we used on our wedding day... what a perfect way to end the day!

Updates...for real

I ended up writing review instead of giving updates on my earlier post....

Oh well, what is there to say...

An overblown disagreement with mom means that she refused to call me the past couple of days.  The good thing about this is, it sorts of give me a breather from the daily 2 - 3 calls she made.  My concentration at work is not disrupted by a "very important" phone calls that 8 out 10 turns out to be SO not important but I keep taking because of that 2 out of 10 incident.

The bad news is, well, eventually, within a day or two, or perhaps a week, I will eventually have to play the dutiful daughter and make peace with her.  It gets tiring because we never discuss it or reach solutions for it, rather we just shelve it hoping out of sight meaning out of mind.  

I suppose I just should enjoy the peaceful days I have right now.

Second, my cold is getting better, but not yet fully recovered

Then, earlier this week, something about my work makes me love it again, and I got totally excited about coming to work: I woke up 6 am today can couldn't go back to sleep thinking about work, so I turn on the computer and start early from home.  Then as soon as it came, it's also gone: At the moment I felt quite helpless, there's just too much never ending problems, it's like being an editor of weekly magazine, not only do I have to solve last minute problems of this week shipment, but also plans for the next one...when will it ever endddddd?????

Next month Felicia will start her school at new school.  I'm a bit nervous because I don't know how she would react to it.  The first weeks will be tough with separation anxiety and all of that, hey, she's not yet 3 years old.  

Ming is also doing great.  We have comfortable routine, and manage to have our own, separate time at home, which is very important when you work at the same place with your husband and meet him 24/7.  

and that's about it folks!

 

Updates...

Last Wednesday I went to my regular check up.  Knowing that it would usually involved a couple of hours waiting, I stopped by local grocery store that also carries some novel.  I spotted this book:

I had seen the book last year, but always put up buying it because well, I was usually looking for a light reading and at 500+ pages, it just seemed too much.  But this time, it's different. I was looking for a book that would occupy me for couple of hours waiting and this one seemed just right; I figured it would last long enough until the end of the week at least, instead of buying the harlequin-esh book that I could finish immediately.  So I picked it up without expecting anything.

And I love it.  It was not quite what I had expected; as a matter of fact, by the middle of the book, I no longer know what to expect, and that is a nice change.  This is not a typical book in which the readers are this omnipresence being who was conditioned to be amused by the problems the heroine faces and knew exactly what they should have done or said and with whom they would end up before reading half the book.  

These characters, and three of them are very different, have background stories that would make you feel for them, although not necessarily agree with them.  On the surface, they are normal woman with everyday problems.  They do not suddenly experience enlightenment, there is not one major traumatic event that would make them repent their sins and changed their way.  
They do change, but I believe it's because of the experience and situation that shaped them that way, it happened so subtly and over time, and there's also no easy and miraculous fix for them, and all of these made these characters ever so real and believable.

Reading romance books, you usually would know from the start who's the heroine and who's the villain.  But these three women are just regular women who had made bad choices in their life and what's good about it, I don't think any of them as villains: they are just regular people making difficult decisions in a shitty situations that are not always right and must deal with the consequences.

One woman gets to live the happily ever after version, another one was given a glint of hope and sign that perhaps all is not lost, while the last one...I hope it means that she truly, sincerely learned the lessons and wished she will be given a chance in the next book...

In the end, I don't hate any of them, and root for all of them to be stronger, and hope they will eventually lead a happy and satisfying life.  And that alone should say a lot about the book.

Happy with the first Marian Keyes' work I ever read, I picked up the second one last Sunday: 

I'm more than half way through it, and noticed two similar things with the first book: I'm rooting for all three characters (two of them hates each other), and have no idea how the story will turn. 

It can only mean one thing: I will get the third book by the author. For sure.

Blah

I'm having slight cold today.  Still going to work, but always feel slightly tipsy and light-headed from the medicine I took.  And my face felt puffy as well ...

On the good side, last night I slept from 9pm until 6:30 am this morning.  I woke up once and was happy to know it was still 1 am and that means I still had hours to go before I had to wake up.  I normally sleep around midnight, so last night it felt like I got to sleep twice hahahaha...

OH well, there's always silver lining in everything.

 

Reading....

I have just finished reading this book I picked up in Hong Kong:

A surprisingly good and trully funny book that I have to admit, easier and have much more pleasure to read than the original version.  

And I'm currently finishing up this one:

Great read for those of you who enjoys his show.  

I know none of these books are on my 2010 reading list, but hei, I have lovely time reading these and that's what really matters.

Have a good weekend!

Vivi

Joy!!

So we just got back from Dubai last night.  

Although it is officially work-related visit, we got the chance to celebrate our 4th anniversary here and there as well: we had fantastic dinner at a fancy restaurant overlooking Hong Kong island during our transit.  We stayed in a lovely suite in a five stars hotel in Dubai, we went to a private beach in Jumeira, we got to the top of the world, or more like the 124th floor of Burj Khalifah.

It's a pretty cool celebration I must say.  

This noon in the office, Ming called me to the front lobby and told me that our order from Amazon has arrived.  They're supposed to arrived few days before our Dubai trip, but UPS screwed it up and I was pretty disappointed.  I ordered Stephen Colbert's I AM AMERICA, and had expected to read it during our trip.  

I had forgotten about it until Ming told me.  So it was a nice surprise for me that the book arrived today, along with other books that Ming ordered.  At the top of the box were his books and at the bottom was mine.  I love books.  Have I told you that?  anyway, still happy from finally getting my order, still flipping the pages and smelling that familiar scent of the sheets, Ming pulled the last book from the box.

It was this:

JOY!

I must say, this book, is the best gift from him.  If we hadn't been in the office, I would have kissed him right there on the spot.

You see, in addition to books, I LOVE everything related to interior decorating, the cottages, and so forth.  It's basically one method of therapy for me: browsing the internet for these sites.  I can spend hours looking through coolhouseplans.com, hookedonhouses.net, and sometimes I just type "cottages floor plans" on google search engine.

I love imagining what kind of small, two bedroom cottages we're going to have for our retirement, how I'm going to decorate it, what kind of sofa, furniture, how the country kitchen would look like, the fireplace, the carpet, and all of those things.  Every time there's a real estate fair, I'd stop by just to see their floor plans.  I always try to persuade Ming to stop by and check open houses though we absolutely have no immediate plan to purchase a house.  

So when he casually gave me this book and told me that it was supposed to be a surprise for me, you wouldn't believe how my heart leapt with joy.  Seriously.  My heart beats faster and I can't stop smiling and grinning and got SO excited.  I'm still giddy typing this.  I can't believe he'd do something SO sweet as that.  I still wonder how he managed to keep it a secret!  

I don't think even Ming realized how meaningful this book is for me.  

I have to say, while I appreciate the travelling, the fancy restaurant, the great hotel, THIS is the most wonderful anniversary gift.  I LOVE IT.  I can't wait to go home and read it.  I'm smiling even thinking about reading it...

This book brought joy more than the whole Dubai trip! it's the perfect ending of the entire week, and of our anniversary celebration! 

Does it make me weird?

4th Year Anniversary

Having Dinner in Aqua Hong Kong

Celebrating our 4th year Anniversary while on transit to Dubai

Packing...

It's 23:30, and we're packing for our trip tomorrow.

Since tomorrow is our 4th year Anniversary (yaayyy!), we will have romantic dinner here. I wish I can wear something nicer, but since we're only going to be in Hong Kong for half a day and won't be getting our luggage there, I have to settle wearing business suit for the occasion.

Around midnight tomorrow, we'll continue our flight. We will stay for few days in Dubai here, and spend the last night here

Oh yeah, it's 40-42C in Dubai these days.... yaiks!

Pictures coming up!!

2010 Reading List

A couple of weeks ago, in a GK Fan site forum, I exchanged short messages with a girl from Germany.  In the end, we wrote almost daily emails to each other comparing our "internet research" on one particular GK cast & crew with the initial EMK.  

Then one conversation leads to another, she asked me what kind of books I read.  And just like that I realized, I don't think I read or buy any new book since Generation Kill and One Bullet Away in December last year!

By this month in 2009, I have read over 20 titles (all of them are Julia Quinn's romance books, but still...)  and yet now it's already the second week of May but I haven't bought one single new book.  This is really embarrasing.

Okay, I have bought Stephen Colbert's "I Am America (And So Can You!)" via Amazon.com, but I haven't received it, so it doesn't count.  

Normally, I would just wait until I go abroad and while on transit I'd browsed and pick a book.

Which reminds me, I DID buy and read one new book this year, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson.  It was a story of an American who built one school at a time in Pakistan, and the many problems he has dealt, and continues to deal with to make it come true.  I thought I bought that last year, but now I remember I had bought it in Changi when I went to Singapore to have dental surgery.  It's a good book, and Mortensen still works on his effort to build school not only in Pakistan, but also Afghanistan.  Please check his website for more updated info.

Anyways, I thought this year I want to spend less time pulling out every books in the bookstore to read the excerpt and wondering if I should buy it or not, and did my homework first at home.  

So, I'm now making a list of books I plan to read in 2010. 

I have no particular genre or author that I must get, and I try to make the list as vary as possible.  The list may also change as I'd like to add from time to time...

1) Wicked Lovely, by Melissa Marr

2) I'm A Stranger Here Myself: Notes on Returning to America After 20 Years Away, by Bill Bryson

3) Ten Things I Love About You, by Julia Quinn

4) Making the Corps: 10th Anniversary Edition, by Thomas E. Ricks

5) Hero Living, by Rudy Reyes

I guess that's all.  It's a sad, short list eh?  I couldn't think of anything right now...

Disappointed

Today I’ve been very disappointed, crushed really, heart shattered to pieces and the whole nine yards.  No, no, everything is okay.  It’s just that…well, for 15 years, FIFTEEN years, I’ve always wanted to go to Europe, nope, not the Istanbul’s part of Europe, but the real Europe: The windmill in the Netherlands, Venice’s canals, Oktoberfest in Germany (though my friend told me that I wouldn’t want to be there), Prague …

I was supposed to go to the Netherlands for my undergraduate degree and was thoroughly excited until my parents (who paid for my tuition so I can’t really say anything against it) decided on the last minute to crush my dream (haha) and sent me to Canada.  Vancouver is the most beautiful, lovely city I’ve ever been, and I miss it, but I’ve always had slight pang of regret for not going to Europe.

Ming has been to Europe for business a couple of times and he knows how much I want to go there.  So a couple of days ago he made a very nice excuse to my dad in law that would mean taking me to a business trip involving visit to Dubai and Vicenza, Italy.  The trip to Italy itself is only for three days, but we will be staying in the hotel in Venice, and well, three days is better than never right?  Besides of those three days, we got one day free to do some sightseeing.  One day wouldn’t do justice and won’t cover anything, but still…It’s in Europe!

It was unbelievable for me, and at first I kind of just say, yeah, okay.  It’s surreal, and I just don’t want to be disappointed, so I tried not to think about it too much.  After all, from the experience on trip to Dubai,  I learned the hard way the many fuck-ups that can happen: unapproved visa, fully-booked flights, urgent matters, and so forth. But then we started looking for flights, and the possibility is just…endless…should we fly to Rome? Milan? Amsterdam?  ….and I can’t help getting excited!!  Did I mention it has been fifteen years? Despite my sincere attempt to remain aloof and prepare for the worst, the bubbles of hope kept surfacing and I smiled thinking that I would be in Europe, finally, after fifteen years.  It sweetened the deal that our arrival day would be the same date of our 4 years wedding anniversary, May 21st.

Then today, we’re looking for visa application dates…as you know, I need Schengen Visa.  We have all the documentations needed.  There are a lot of Italian companies willing to write invitation letters to vouch for us and so forth.  Ming doesn't need visa because he already has one from the previous trip.  Only one problem: the appointment with Italian Embassy is only available on May 24 at the earliest, and it takes 15 days minimum to process it.  The fair (which we use as an excuse to go) ended on May 26. 

We thought of applying to Germany and the Netherlands’ embassy, but 1) we need to apply to the country in which we will stay the longest, which would be Italy and 2) Italian Embassy process the visa faster than other European embassy here. 

We called several agencies that usually deal with visa applications, and they all give up.

This morning, I went to the office with a smile in my heart thinking about the trip.  Then, within an hour, my secretary kept calling me every five minutes to tell me: Nope, can't apply to Italian Embassy, Nope, can't do it via the Netherlands as well, Nope, not via Zurich as well, Nope, the agencies all gave up knowing that you plan on going in three weeks. And with every calls, my heart, I believe literally, cracks a bit more.  It takes every self control I have to pull it together and smile to my co-worker when I told him that it seems I won't be going.

And so my elated hope/dream only lasted for 48 hours and I woke up crashing down to the cruel reality that I have been waiting to go to Europe for 15 years .... and still counting. 

It was...painful.  hahahaha...seriously though, it literally hurts.  I know I should never expected too much, and I only have myself to blame for that.  Not helpful at all when people kept pointing out the obvious truth: that I should have applied for visa earlier, especially so near the school holiday.  

I want to scream: It's not fair!!  I've been working since I'm 21 years old, been financially independent since then, and now, I HAVE money to go, I EARNED it!!  but nope, I can't go.  

I want to cry, but since I'm still in the office, that would be ridiculous.  People here constantly worries about other, far more important things in life such as mortgages, education for their children, money, and I want to cry because I don't go to Europe?  So fucking what?! Dear with it! Suck it up and Smile! Embrace the Suck!  Or, the nicer way Ming once put it: "So you've been waiting for fifteen years, why not wait for another year?" (My answer?  'What if I die before the year end?' creepy isn't it?)

As I write this, all I can think of is this one last glint of hope: the Italian Embassy had contacted Ming earlier this year and paid for his trip to Italy last January to promote trade with the Italian companies.  If Ming only contacted that person and explained that he had planned to go this May to Italy but urgently needed visa for his wife....

But NO!! My brain simply refuses to process that thoughts further and stomped down anymore foolish hope and thoughts of going to Europe.  I'm going on full mode of NOT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON when it comes to Europe.  It's better that way.  I know it's less painful that way. 

Ming earlier offered another possible way but I refused to listen.  It's just too difficult for me to listen about it anymore right now.  Of course, he wouldn't understand.  He didn't understand why I had wanted to go there in the first place, and why it took me 15 years (and still counting) to do that.  I don't know what to tell him, because honestly, I don't understand myself. I simply do.

It's hard enough to think that people who don't want to go, at least not as bad as I do, actually GET to go: Sheila (Who always prefers USA/China), Ming, Ming's brother, my sister, etc. 

In the end, all I can do is telling comforting things to myself: Hey, it's worth to wait, isn't it?  Hey, it would be AWESOME when you DO get to go. Hey, you will get to go. Someday. One day. I think. 

To dream or not to dream, that is the question, isn't it?  And we all agree, at least I agree, that life won't be half as exciting without one.  

I simply forgot the heartache of a (yet again) shattered dream.

Well, the bubble has burst.  

And now I remember.

 

Parents Beware!

This is why you should never swear in front of  your children!

No worries, it's not done by Felicia....

though it would have been quite accurate...

Gold Expanse

Gold Expanse, by Leonid Afremov

I was browsing the net when I came across this painting.  Somehow, the richness of the Autumn Leaves takes my breath away and when I saw it for the first time, I felt like crying coz it's just so damn beautiful!!

you can see the full size version by following the link in this website, it's an oil painting using pallette-knife.  You can purchase it for US$300 plus US$70 for international shipping....Should I???