The Truth is Out There ... Can You Handle It?

An email exerpt I wrote earlier this morning...

So I finally told mom.

 

I told her that Ming asked her to read Proverbs 25:17, which basically said not to come everyday to your neighbour's house just in case he'd grow to despise you.

 

Her reaction?  Pissed, and threatened to tell that to my dad in law. 

 

My reaction?  Pissed, and told her calmly if she ever said that to my dad in law, she can be assured i will never talk to her again.

 

She told me the same story, that she comes everyday to see felicia, to help out when the nanny was in the shower, and she always leaves whenever we arrived home.

 

I told her that this is how Ming's feel. 

 

She said I should have defended her.

 

I told her the truth, that I did.  that I have been having fights with Ming about this, and she can ask dad about it.

 

I told her it's up to her, this is what Ming really feels, and if she choose to ignore it, then there's nothing I can do but to brace myself from having fights with Ming every couple of weeks. 

 

I told her that it's not that we don't want her to come, it's just that Ming did mind if she did it every day.

 

I'm tired of getting stuck between them and dragged dad along with me.

 

I'm tired of walking on eggshells in my own home.

 

I'm tired of being made to choose sides.

 

I'm tired of being the grown up between me, ming, and mom. 

 

And I'm tired of feeling as if I have to earn mom's love.  That if I don't behave as she wishes, don't do as she say, don't believe in what she believes, then i'm a bad daughter.  So consider this a try out: I've tried to be a good daughter.  I finished my school on time, I earned my own living, I tried and kept trying.  Now, I want to step back, and be myself, and say what I want to say about how I really feel, and see if she still loves me just the same. 

 

updates: she just called me, telling me how cruel Ming is, and she's crying and being hysterical.

 

updates: dad just called me, asking what I said to mom (though he asked in a nice, gentle way) I explained to him.  I told him everything.  dad said i should have said it gently, i should have chose better situation.  I asked dad when is the right situation, when is the right time? when will ever be the right time to say this kind of thing to your own mother? and didn't HE already try to do it to mom and yet she just didn't get it?  should I just wait like he did until grandma passed away to confess that he also had problems with having grandma ALL the time?

 

I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for telling the truth, yet honesty is expected of me. 

 

I'm tired of being made to lie about how I really feel, to cover up for other people, to bear the brunt of someone's frustration. 

 

I'm tired of the emotional blackmails and feeling fucked up regardless how much I tried. 

 

I made it clear to Ming that I've already done one of the most difficult thing I've ever have to do, for his own sake. 

 

I made it clear to Ming that I'm not such a good person that I don't expect anything in return.

 

I do expect something in return.  He knows what it is. 

 

Consider this a try out: I've done the things I hate, the things I don't like to do.  and I don't want to be the only one doing it.