If Familiarity does breed contempt, how should one deals with one's family?
Recently I've been in a feud with my parents. It's over nothing important, it's more about some unresolved past issued mixed together with stress, sprinkled with undetected PMS, added with overly sensitive individuals, tossed with a bit of fairly insensitive and straightforward person, and boiled together with pride and stubborness on each sides, and you got this: two weeks of silence between my parents and us (me and my husband).
The first week I breezed through it: work had been quite hectic lately and so I hadn't realized a week had came and come. I feel guilty about feeling better actually. My mom dropped by my house twice a day to see Felicia, and called me at least once a day, more often 3 - 4 phone calls every day, and for some cruel coincidence, the calls usually arrived with very bad timing: the busiest hour/ the most hectic day, and so forth. Sometimes at 9:30 at night.
So, it's actually nice: I can concentrate at work, I can go home to my family and feel like it's really mine. While mom is trying to be helpful, more often, I felt...choked. Nothing is right, nothing is good enough. Almost every night she would call me to ask if Felicia is already asleep (if she didn't just drop by for the third time of the day), and if she's not, then why didn't I play with her, why didn't I spend more time with her.
If Ming and I happened to bring Felicia out, more often than not she would call us to ask where I'm taking her, to remind me that I shouldn't bring her out too late at night, to ask if the nanny came with us or not and why not and I should bring the nanny.
If Ming and I happened to be out and NOT bringing Felicia with us, she would call and asked why not. then she'd scolded me for not informing her that I plan to go out with my husband without bringing felicia because had she known she would stop by my house. then she'd stop by my house to accompany felicia, which depending on my mood that day, I'd feel either grateful or annoyed coz she made me feel like I'm a shitty mom.
She would call to tell me about what Felicia did or the funny things she said, which I'm grateful for.
Every afternoon she would call and let Felicia talked to us while we're driving home. Which is fine, except she's doing it over her cellphone, one thing that Ming has objections and we have repeatedly told her not to and to use the landline instead and instead of doing as we wished about our daughter, she'd just brushed it off saying it's only for a minute.
She'd call me to tell me where I did wrong: the way the nanny does things, the way the maids does things.
When I went out with friends of mine without Ming and Felicia, for which Ming really has no objections, she'd call if I hadn't arrived home past 8 pm, and she'd call every 10 minutes to make sure I'm on my way home. She didn't do this often, that's because I'm only going out with my friends solo at most five times per ... year
She'd do this every day.
She'd take up my husband's car space so one time when he's suddenly home during the day he couldn't park his car. When I gently advised her to always park her car a little to the left (because the space is enough for two cars but she parked using both space), instead of just do that, she became defensive and said how was she to know that my husband would come home early that day? (please tell me how can I explain nicely to my mother that my husband has every right to go home to our house whenever he wishes to, and understandably expects a car park be available)
Oh, and on more than one occasions she'd hit and broke the steps on our front porch
She'd been on my husband's nerves for the past three of our four years marriage. At one time, Ming even intended to tell her directly that she's meddling too much in our life. I tried to reason him though privately I agreed with him, and only by the Grace of God Ming changed his mind on the last minute.
I have two sisters, both are not here: one lives in Singapore, the other in Japan.
I understand that this post may upset them because I'm telling the world (or really just a handful of those of you who read this) about my mom's shortcomings. All I can tell them is, unless you went through what I've been through, unless you've dealt with our beloved mom every day for four years...please don't judge me or my husband.
The thing is, after the one blissful week of time off with my parents, the past week I've been having dreams about how I'd meet mom and we finally made peace with each other. I reasoned that I just feel guilty, but I also admit that it would be kinda nice not having this cold war with her and dad.
Then a couple of days ago, the father of a colleague of mine suddenly passed away. He received a phone call at 3pm that his dad fell, and he left work, then an hour after we received a phone call notifying us that his dad passed away.
It made me think about my parents.
Sure I'd like to go back to talking to both my parents. This quiet second week doesn't feel so peaceful anymore. But then I started to think about how if I did make peace with them, then surely the phone calls and 2-3 times daily visits will return and peace doesn't equal to peaceful as well.
How to tell my mom to back off from my life? to let loose of her iron grips from my family? to let me live my life, and yes, made my own mistakes.
I tried to tell my dad and asked him to communicate it with my mom, with no results: my dad hesitated even more to come by my house (my dad is the complete opposite of mom and never interfere and I'm actually the one who called him asking how he is), and my mom is still doing what she's always doing. Except now when she's avoiding me.
Anyways, I recently learn from my sister that actually it was to my husband that my mom was upset, and even wanted him to apologize. I had wanted to laugh crying or cry laughing when I heard that. After everything that my husband silently went through and let her make him feel uncomfortable in his own home, I don't think my husband should apologize and I don't want to make my husband apologize for the sake of her peace of mind when she didn't care one bit about his and I hate to be in the middle between my mom and my husband.
I love my mom and my dad. I know they have given everything to me and my sisters. Spend almost their entire savings so we can go to university overseas. I feel grateful. I really do. They have been a loving parents and grandparents for my daughter. My mom is a great wife, and loving but very strict mom for us and she had been wonderful when I was growing up and lived with them.
But at the same time, the older I get, I felt ... I felt that it is also true that nothing is free, and although they never asked anything in return, I still feel that the payment I'm making in other non-monetary things are getting too much for me.
I'm up to my neck and I just need to ... breathe...
I need to vent and I did just that here. Thank God for this blog.
If you have nothing nice to say about my mom or my husband, please don't say anything at all. I still love her and I do love him, I don't want anyone to badmouth either of them.
Phiew.
Told you it's a long one.
Ps: Felicia, later on when I'm too meddling in your life. Please tell me to sit down and break it to me gently. Remind me of this post.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
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3 comments:
I don't have anything bad (or good ;-) to say about your mom or your husband. That's why I dare commenting here. I don't have any say about ANY moms on this planet, so don't get me started on my own mom, on my husband's mom, and on just any mom.
I do, know for sure, that a very very dearest friend of mine once taught me that
"Moms are people you can't live with, but you also can't live without". This girlfriend/sister gave me this advice 12 years ago during my teenage struggle with my mom. I hold on to that saying until this very day.
So everytime it hits me and strikes me over and over again, how I can't live with my mom and how I can't stand years, months, weeks, days, even seconds with my mom, I'll tell myself silently that I too, can't live without her. I love her too dearly and she's done too much for me. Just like you do so to your mom. Just like you think, you'll spend the rest of your life repaying for your "debts" to her, what she did to you when raising you.
I often tell Martin, one reason why Indonesians say that "lots of kids = lots of blessings/money" is because Indonesians, just like my parents, do NOT have insurance, nor pension fund. Their kids are their pension funds, their social security, their insurance net. They hold on to their kids. That's one principle that he needs to know from the beginning of our relationship, and that's one that I know he understands very well because his Oma still lives with his parents in the same house, to or against Martin's mom's dismay ;-)
I guess my point is, my dear sister (yes I call you my sister coz I only have you. You don't have to call me sis coz you already have two ;-)... you don't have to put yourself between your hubby and your mom. No point in that.
Just tell him, that this is what comes in a package and as much annoying as she is to him, that's the deal that he should've known when he married you. That's that, and he'll either deal with it or deal with himself. These girls (you and me) come in a package.
That's EXACTLY what I tell Martin everytime, and everytime he rolls his eyes, and he suffocates (happened EXACTLY two weeks ago when my parents were here, and will happen again next month, as also for the next 30 years).
Happens to me and my mom-in-law as well, as much as I love her too.
So, then call your mom and HAVE FELICIA talk to her, "Ini lho Bobo, Felicia kangen... sekarang Felicia udah bisa ngomong bla bla bla, udah nggak ngompol lagi" or whatever you can make out of your cute little toddler. "Bobo nggak main sini tah...?" and when the ice melts, you know that peace is made, and though it doesn't equal peaceful, so fucking what. It doesn't help and it won't take you anywhere.
Remember, can't live without her either. It's killing you two from the inside.
So just pull yourself together, pack up your pride, and make that phone call. When she one day brings back what caused you two in a war, and why she was so pissed at you, then tell her gently "Well, I was also mad at you but it was meant to be a joke. Since now we're both past that joke, why stay mad at each other?" and MOVE ON.
DO NOT dwell on the past because it'll only damage the present and ruin the future. Trust me. I've been there and I've done that. As many times as you have.
Ok.
Now I gotta wait another couple of hours before I call my mom and make that truce (yes we had a fight and yelled again last weekend...) and prepare myself for a weekend with my in-laws this Friday.
You see, we're on the same boat, Vivi. So just live with it. Some things are NOT to be changed.
Serenity to accept the things we cannot change.
Courage to accept the things that WE CAN change.
And most importantly, WISDOM to know the difference between the two, remember???
Ok this comment has become JUST as long as your post ;-))))
Hi Vivi,
I've been invited by Sheila to read your posting and I hope you don't mind me commenting. I have no intention to impose anything or telling you what you should or shouldn't do. As an outsider I might be able to give you a fresh opinion.
I used to be really close with my dad, it has only been me and him. Until came along step-mum and a step-brother then I chose exile when I was 18, living away from them was much better rather than being under the same roof physically but feeling that I was being pushed aside.
The biggest blown to our relationship was when I contacted my maternal mother 4 years a go. My dad kept saying that he was happy for me, but in reality he was hurt, jealous and afraid that I would be "on her side" which is ridiculous. I'd never be on anyone's side, I have my own family to worry about and they have theirs too.
I confronted him twice about it but we never really could resolve the problem. There was time when we didn't speak for weeks because we both were still upset.
A dear friend of mine reminded me that the longer I don't speak to him the harder it'd get. She suggested me just to pick up the phone and just say "hi dad, how are you?" and let the conversation goes. She said to me not to bring up the subject unless he wanted to. So I did, I picked up the phone and spoke to him, about the weather, political situation… whatever…. And I was so surprised how it improved our relationship. It's not going to be the same again but I think we now both accepted that there are things we cannot agree and best to leave certain things unsaid. It took my dad 4 years to finally come around again. And now I finally able to accept him being upset about lots of things are actually about him holding grudges about me contacting my biological mom, which I try and ignore because it's just not worth the fight.
Maybe this situation is a good chance for you to change your relationship between you and your mom, rather than frustratingly trying to resolve it.
What I'm trying to say is that I'd pick up the phone if I were you and just say hello. Don't bring up any upsetting subject, ignore about how she wants your husband to apologise to her. If you can, just forget about it because you're just going to be upset because of it.
Don't feel bad that you're actually feeling good not to have to deal with your mom 2-3 times a day (or more!) on daily basis. It's okay to wanting to breathe again without your mom crowding you and your family all the times. You can let go of the guilty feelings, and hopefully your mom will be able to let go of you a little by little.
If I may suggest when your mom nit-pick you with her comments about the nanny, about you going out or what time you should be home just tell her calmly but firmly that you don't want to discuss it and that now you do things your way. If you don't have the heart to do so just end the conversation by saying "mom, I have to go now I'll ring you again when I get home" or something like that. Pardon me for saying this but you have let your mom do these things to you, and you still can change it before it gets worse. As much as you love her you have to be able to say "no" to her, it’s hard I know. If I were you I'd try and show her that things are different now, that as a responsible adult she should trust me more and let me do things my way. And at the same time I’d show her that I’m still her beloved daughter and that I love her so much still. Easier said than done, I know, but I’ve tried it and it worked with my dad.
And for your sisters, it's easy for them to get upset reading your vent as they don't have to deal with your mom every day ;)
Sorry for the long comment, if you choose to delete it I promise I won’t be offended.
Dear friends...
thank you for your kind and really thoughtful comments...
While my mom and I hadn't returned to our normal relationship, we did meet last time when my nanny went home and had short, civil conversation.
So at least we're making progress right?
I think Ladyinred's advice is brilliant, but somehow I'm not yet able to do it. I promise I will try though, especially since my mom's birthday is coming up this July.
As for Sheila...I have to say I'm being mean when I thought: I wish you were here so we can suffer together under the choking hold of our moms....mwahahahaha....
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