Disappointed

Today I’ve been very disappointed, crushed really, heart shattered to pieces and the whole nine yards.  No, no, everything is okay.  It’s just that…well, for 15 years, FIFTEEN years, I’ve always wanted to go to Europe, nope, not the Istanbul’s part of Europe, but the real Europe: The windmill in the Netherlands, Venice’s canals, Oktoberfest in Germany (though my friend told me that I wouldn’t want to be there), Prague …

I was supposed to go to the Netherlands for my undergraduate degree and was thoroughly excited until my parents (who paid for my tuition so I can’t really say anything against it) decided on the last minute to crush my dream (haha) and sent me to Canada.  Vancouver is the most beautiful, lovely city I’ve ever been, and I miss it, but I’ve always had slight pang of regret for not going to Europe.

Ming has been to Europe for business a couple of times and he knows how much I want to go there.  So a couple of days ago he made a very nice excuse to my dad in law that would mean taking me to a business trip involving visit to Dubai and Vicenza, Italy.  The trip to Italy itself is only for three days, but we will be staying in the hotel in Venice, and well, three days is better than never right?  Besides of those three days, we got one day free to do some sightseeing.  One day wouldn’t do justice and won’t cover anything, but still…It’s in Europe!

It was unbelievable for me, and at first I kind of just say, yeah, okay.  It’s surreal, and I just don’t want to be disappointed, so I tried not to think about it too much.  After all, from the experience on trip to Dubai,  I learned the hard way the many fuck-ups that can happen: unapproved visa, fully-booked flights, urgent matters, and so forth. But then we started looking for flights, and the possibility is just…endless…should we fly to Rome? Milan? Amsterdam?  ….and I can’t help getting excited!!  Did I mention it has been fifteen years? Despite my sincere attempt to remain aloof and prepare for the worst, the bubbles of hope kept surfacing and I smiled thinking that I would be in Europe, finally, after fifteen years.  It sweetened the deal that our arrival day would be the same date of our 4 years wedding anniversary, May 21st.

Then today, we’re looking for visa application dates…as you know, I need Schengen Visa.  We have all the documentations needed.  There are a lot of Italian companies willing to write invitation letters to vouch for us and so forth.  Ming doesn't need visa because he already has one from the previous trip.  Only one problem: the appointment with Italian Embassy is only available on May 24 at the earliest, and it takes 15 days minimum to process it.  The fair (which we use as an excuse to go) ended on May 26. 

We thought of applying to Germany and the Netherlands’ embassy, but 1) we need to apply to the country in which we will stay the longest, which would be Italy and 2) Italian Embassy process the visa faster than other European embassy here. 

We called several agencies that usually deal with visa applications, and they all give up.

This morning, I went to the office with a smile in my heart thinking about the trip.  Then, within an hour, my secretary kept calling me every five minutes to tell me: Nope, can't apply to Italian Embassy, Nope, can't do it via the Netherlands as well, Nope, not via Zurich as well, Nope, the agencies all gave up knowing that you plan on going in three weeks. And with every calls, my heart, I believe literally, cracks a bit more.  It takes every self control I have to pull it together and smile to my co-worker when I told him that it seems I won't be going.

And so my elated hope/dream only lasted for 48 hours and I woke up crashing down to the cruel reality that I have been waiting to go to Europe for 15 years .... and still counting. 

It was...painful.  hahahaha...seriously though, it literally hurts.  I know I should never expected too much, and I only have myself to blame for that.  Not helpful at all when people kept pointing out the obvious truth: that I should have applied for visa earlier, especially so near the school holiday.  

I want to scream: It's not fair!!  I've been working since I'm 21 years old, been financially independent since then, and now, I HAVE money to go, I EARNED it!!  but nope, I can't go.  

I want to cry, but since I'm still in the office, that would be ridiculous.  People here constantly worries about other, far more important things in life such as mortgages, education for their children, money, and I want to cry because I don't go to Europe?  So fucking what?! Dear with it! Suck it up and Smile! Embrace the Suck!  Or, the nicer way Ming once put it: "So you've been waiting for fifteen years, why not wait for another year?" (My answer?  'What if I die before the year end?' creepy isn't it?)

As I write this, all I can think of is this one last glint of hope: the Italian Embassy had contacted Ming earlier this year and paid for his trip to Italy last January to promote trade with the Italian companies.  If Ming only contacted that person and explained that he had planned to go this May to Italy but urgently needed visa for his wife....

But NO!! My brain simply refuses to process that thoughts further and stomped down anymore foolish hope and thoughts of going to Europe.  I'm going on full mode of NOT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON when it comes to Europe.  It's better that way.  I know it's less painful that way. 

Ming earlier offered another possible way but I refused to listen.  It's just too difficult for me to listen about it anymore right now.  Of course, he wouldn't understand.  He didn't understand why I had wanted to go there in the first place, and why it took me 15 years (and still counting) to do that.  I don't know what to tell him, because honestly, I don't understand myself. I simply do.

It's hard enough to think that people who don't want to go, at least not as bad as I do, actually GET to go: Sheila (Who always prefers USA/China), Ming, Ming's brother, my sister, etc. 

In the end, all I can do is telling comforting things to myself: Hey, it's worth to wait, isn't it?  Hey, it would be AWESOME when you DO get to go. Hey, you will get to go. Someday. One day. I think. 

To dream or not to dream, that is the question, isn't it?  And we all agree, at least I agree, that life won't be half as exciting without one.  

I simply forgot the heartache of a (yet again) shattered dream.

Well, the bubble has burst.  

And now I remember.