Something Positive for Good Measure

The last time Felicia hit me, I was trying to kiss her when she was watching movie.  She didn't like it, wriggled out of my hands, and hit me.  So I came to her and told her to apologize.  

I was standing in front of her, and I can imagine from a three years old point of view, I could be a very imposing and intimidating figure.  I hold both her hands in mine, like I always do before I hit her hands. She put on the blank face mask, the poker face: not showing the slightest emotion - no fear, no regrets.

 

I was about to scold her, but then I just didn't.  Instead, I kneel in front of her, smiled, and touched her cheek gently, like I always do before I kissed her. Then I asked her why she hit me.  Her face lit up, she smiled and hugged me, and said sorry twice.   

 

My daughter teaches me new things about being a mom everyday.

 

I love her.

The Truth is Out There ... Can You Handle It?

An email exerpt I wrote earlier this morning...

So I finally told mom.

 

I told her that Ming asked her to read Proverbs 25:17, which basically said not to come everyday to your neighbour's house just in case he'd grow to despise you.

 

Her reaction?  Pissed, and threatened to tell that to my dad in law. 

 

My reaction?  Pissed, and told her calmly if she ever said that to my dad in law, she can be assured i will never talk to her again.

 

She told me the same story, that she comes everyday to see felicia, to help out when the nanny was in the shower, and she always leaves whenever we arrived home.

 

I told her that this is how Ming's feel. 

 

She said I should have defended her.

 

I told her the truth, that I did.  that I have been having fights with Ming about this, and she can ask dad about it.

 

I told her it's up to her, this is what Ming really feels, and if she choose to ignore it, then there's nothing I can do but to brace myself from having fights with Ming every couple of weeks. 

 

I told her that it's not that we don't want her to come, it's just that Ming did mind if she did it every day.

 

I'm tired of getting stuck between them and dragged dad along with me.

 

I'm tired of walking on eggshells in my own home.

 

I'm tired of being made to choose sides.

 

I'm tired of being the grown up between me, ming, and mom. 

 

And I'm tired of feeling as if I have to earn mom's love.  That if I don't behave as she wishes, don't do as she say, don't believe in what she believes, then i'm a bad daughter.  So consider this a try out: I've tried to be a good daughter.  I finished my school on time, I earned my own living, I tried and kept trying.  Now, I want to step back, and be myself, and say what I want to say about how I really feel, and see if she still loves me just the same. 

 

updates: she just called me, telling me how cruel Ming is, and she's crying and being hysterical.

 

updates: dad just called me, asking what I said to mom (though he asked in a nice, gentle way) I explained to him.  I told him everything.  dad said i should have said it gently, i should have chose better situation.  I asked dad when is the right situation, when is the right time? when will ever be the right time to say this kind of thing to your own mother? and didn't HE already try to do it to mom and yet she just didn't get it?  should I just wait like he did until grandma passed away to confess that he also had problems with having grandma ALL the time?

 

I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for telling the truth, yet honesty is expected of me. 

 

I'm tired of being made to lie about how I really feel, to cover up for other people, to bear the brunt of someone's frustration. 

 

I'm tired of the emotional blackmails and feeling fucked up regardless how much I tried. 

 

I made it clear to Ming that I've already done one of the most difficult thing I've ever have to do, for his own sake. 

 

I made it clear to Ming that I'm not such a good person that I don't expect anything in return.

 

I do expect something in return.  He knows what it is. 

 

Consider this a try out: I've done the things I hate, the things I don't like to do.  and I don't want to be the only one doing it.

When the last straw hit my back...

This whole week long, I've slept for six hours or less.  Mostly less.  Wait, I know for sure it's less and they were not good, quality sleep either.   I usually catch up some sleep over the weekend, but last Sunday I woke up even earlier to go to Madura with Ming.  I didn't regret that, but I realize it's probably not the best decision, since I know I'd be paying for it all week long.  

Yesterday was the worst.

I couldn't sleep last night.  

The whole day yesterday I was physically exhausted, and I thought I'd go home early and take a nap.  My eyes were shut, but I didn't really drift off to sleep.  I was beyond annoyed when the maid woke me up with loud knock for a phone call.  

Failed to take a nap, I tried reading, watching TV, and still I couldn't sleep.  I was tense for no reason at all.  Past midnight, I took two Panadol pills.  After an hour, I still couldn't sleep, so I took another one.  It still eluded me.  

I think I fell asleep around 1:18 am, or at least that's what the clock showing when I last glanced at it.  I woke up at 5:30 am and tried to sleep again but couldn't.  So I just lied down until 6:15am, when the alarm went off.

I was tired and stressed out.  Ten minutes before I fell asleep, after Ming refused to help me out and preferred other activities, I naturally picked up fight with him.  I said whatever it was that popped in my mind, my sleep-deprived, exhausted, stressed out mind, and I put no filter in it.  

I probably said some ugly, hurtful things, but even now I have to say that they were honest.  I didn't re-phrase it to make it politically correct, I didn't soften it to avoid hurting other people, and I didn't stop and wonder if I should say it or not, just in case I didn't feel the same way the following morning.

It was liberating.  For the first time in a very long while, I'm being honest about how I really feel, and I said what I want to say, when I want to say it.  I don't regret it and I won't be apologetic about it, and I certainly will not be made to feel bad about it.  

This morning, I woke up and did not feel slightly better.  The things I said are honest, but truth can be painful, and even after closing that can of worms, you can't get rid of the smell and it can still haunt you.  

I'm sorry that your life is miserable, Ming said just before we sleep, and he wasn't being nice and sympathetic.  Tell me about it, was my response, not giving a fuck about the dripping bitterness of his words.  

To his credit though, this morning when he woke up, instead of being emotionally unavailable like I predicted he would be, instead of being cold and distant like he usually did after a fight, instead of trying to point out how crazy I acted, how delusional I was, how insignificant the things I felt like I have anticipated, instead of all that, he came up from behind me, and merely gave me a big, warm hug and kissed my shoulder.  

It was one small act that divert a full blown war of the worlds I was preparing myself into.  And I don't think he even realizes it.  

This morning as I talked to some people at work, I complained about my sleepless night and my exhaustion.  I secretly felt bitter because people who work for me can just take day off if they didn't feel well, but me, the supposed future owner blah blah blah, is stuck at work no matter how bad I feel, no matter how sick I was.  See, when it comes to being the supposed future owner, I have "obligations and responsibilites" that I must learn to handle, funny how easy the higher authority dismissed any mention of privilege or perks.  Free rent and fancy ride are my perks.  Utilities and maintenance, we still have to cover.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was talking to my staffs this morning, and for some reasons we started talking about this one woman that I don't even know personally, but know about her.

When she was younger, her parents passed away.  Her older brother adopted the role of her parents, then he passed away too.  She got married, and have five kids.  FIVE.  The younger one was still a toddler when her husband passed away too.

Even when her husband was still alive, she's used to take care of everything: when the roof of her house gave way, she called the maintenance people, mixed the cement herself and didn't hesitate to climb on the roof to fix it.  She used motorcycle to drive her three kids to school, to pick them up and took them to extra curricular activities.  She baked cakes herself to give away to other people for her children's first month celebration.  

She is the true wonder woman.

Suddenly I realized something, a truth that is more honest than everything I've said last night: That I need to shut up about not being able to sleep to my co-workers.  

Ewwwww

Such a short, simple word

As a matter of fact, I doubt it's officially a word.

But boy I'd never thought it could be very painful,  especially when it's coming from one's husband, uttered after seeing one's picture.