Disappointed

Today I’ve been very disappointed, crushed really, heart shattered to pieces and the whole nine yards.  No, no, everything is okay.  It’s just that…well, for 15 years, FIFTEEN years, I’ve always wanted to go to Europe, nope, not the Istanbul’s part of Europe, but the real Europe: The windmill in the Netherlands, Venice’s canals, Oktoberfest in Germany (though my friend told me that I wouldn’t want to be there), Prague …

I was supposed to go to the Netherlands for my undergraduate degree and was thoroughly excited until my parents (who paid for my tuition so I can’t really say anything against it) decided on the last minute to crush my dream (haha) and sent me to Canada.  Vancouver is the most beautiful, lovely city I’ve ever been, and I miss it, but I’ve always had slight pang of regret for not going to Europe.

Ming has been to Europe for business a couple of times and he knows how much I want to go there.  So a couple of days ago he made a very nice excuse to my dad in law that would mean taking me to a business trip involving visit to Dubai and Vicenza, Italy.  The trip to Italy itself is only for three days, but we will be staying in the hotel in Venice, and well, three days is better than never right?  Besides of those three days, we got one day free to do some sightseeing.  One day wouldn’t do justice and won’t cover anything, but still…It’s in Europe!

It was unbelievable for me, and at first I kind of just say, yeah, okay.  It’s surreal, and I just don’t want to be disappointed, so I tried not to think about it too much.  After all, from the experience on trip to Dubai,  I learned the hard way the many fuck-ups that can happen: unapproved visa, fully-booked flights, urgent matters, and so forth. But then we started looking for flights, and the possibility is just…endless…should we fly to Rome? Milan? Amsterdam?  ….and I can’t help getting excited!!  Did I mention it has been fifteen years? Despite my sincere attempt to remain aloof and prepare for the worst, the bubbles of hope kept surfacing and I smiled thinking that I would be in Europe, finally, after fifteen years.  It sweetened the deal that our arrival day would be the same date of our 4 years wedding anniversary, May 21st.

Then today, we’re looking for visa application dates…as you know, I need Schengen Visa.  We have all the documentations needed.  There are a lot of Italian companies willing to write invitation letters to vouch for us and so forth.  Ming doesn't need visa because he already has one from the previous trip.  Only one problem: the appointment with Italian Embassy is only available on May 24 at the earliest, and it takes 15 days minimum to process it.  The fair (which we use as an excuse to go) ended on May 26. 

We thought of applying to Germany and the Netherlands’ embassy, but 1) we need to apply to the country in which we will stay the longest, which would be Italy and 2) Italian Embassy process the visa faster than other European embassy here. 

We called several agencies that usually deal with visa applications, and they all give up.

This morning, I went to the office with a smile in my heart thinking about the trip.  Then, within an hour, my secretary kept calling me every five minutes to tell me: Nope, can't apply to Italian Embassy, Nope, can't do it via the Netherlands as well, Nope, not via Zurich as well, Nope, the agencies all gave up knowing that you plan on going in three weeks. And with every calls, my heart, I believe literally, cracks a bit more.  It takes every self control I have to pull it together and smile to my co-worker when I told him that it seems I won't be going.

And so my elated hope/dream only lasted for 48 hours and I woke up crashing down to the cruel reality that I have been waiting to go to Europe for 15 years .... and still counting. 

It was...painful.  hahahaha...seriously though, it literally hurts.  I know I should never expected too much, and I only have myself to blame for that.  Not helpful at all when people kept pointing out the obvious truth: that I should have applied for visa earlier, especially so near the school holiday.  

I want to scream: It's not fair!!  I've been working since I'm 21 years old, been financially independent since then, and now, I HAVE money to go, I EARNED it!!  but nope, I can't go.  

I want to cry, but since I'm still in the office, that would be ridiculous.  People here constantly worries about other, far more important things in life such as mortgages, education for their children, money, and I want to cry because I don't go to Europe?  So fucking what?! Dear with it! Suck it up and Smile! Embrace the Suck!  Or, the nicer way Ming once put it: "So you've been waiting for fifteen years, why not wait for another year?" (My answer?  'What if I die before the year end?' creepy isn't it?)

As I write this, all I can think of is this one last glint of hope: the Italian Embassy had contacted Ming earlier this year and paid for his trip to Italy last January to promote trade with the Italian companies.  If Ming only contacted that person and explained that he had planned to go this May to Italy but urgently needed visa for his wife....

But NO!! My brain simply refuses to process that thoughts further and stomped down anymore foolish hope and thoughts of going to Europe.  I'm going on full mode of NOT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON when it comes to Europe.  It's better that way.  I know it's less painful that way. 

Ming earlier offered another possible way but I refused to listen.  It's just too difficult for me to listen about it anymore right now.  Of course, he wouldn't understand.  He didn't understand why I had wanted to go there in the first place, and why it took me 15 years (and still counting) to do that.  I don't know what to tell him, because honestly, I don't understand myself. I simply do.

It's hard enough to think that people who don't want to go, at least not as bad as I do, actually GET to go: Sheila (Who always prefers USA/China), Ming, Ming's brother, my sister, etc. 

In the end, all I can do is telling comforting things to myself: Hey, it's worth to wait, isn't it?  Hey, it would be AWESOME when you DO get to go. Hey, you will get to go. Someday. One day. I think. 

To dream or not to dream, that is the question, isn't it?  And we all agree, at least I agree, that life won't be half as exciting without one.  

I simply forgot the heartache of a (yet again) shattered dream.

Well, the bubble has burst.  

And now I remember.

 

Parents Beware!

This is why you should never swear in front of  your children!

No worries, it's not done by Felicia....

though it would have been quite accurate...

Gold Expanse

Gold Expanse, by Leonid Afremov

I was browsing the net when I came across this painting.  Somehow, the richness of the Autumn Leaves takes my breath away and when I saw it for the first time, I felt like crying coz it's just so damn beautiful!!

you can see the full size version by following the link in this website, it's an oil painting using pallette-knife.  You can purchase it for US$300 plus US$70 for international shipping....Should I???

Seriously? You're only 2.5 yrs young! - Awesomeness # 3

So yesterday I went home and Felicia's nanny showed me two red scratches on her face, courtesy of angry Felicia.

This is of course unacceptable.  I decided to have a serious talk with my daughter alone.  It went something like this:

M(ama) : Felicia, who scratched nanny's face?
F(elicia) : Felicia!, (then with the most earnest concern she continued) It's bleeding mom!
M : Yes, I saw.  Felicia, you must never do that.  It is painful and I don't want you hurting other people.  This is unacceptable!

Then Papa showed up and I told Papa what Felicia did.  Papa decided that this matter is, indeed, very serious, and he carried Felicia to see the nanny.

P(apa) : Felicia, who did this?
F(elicia) : Felicia! It's bleeding, papa!
P : Yes, I can see that.  That is very bad what you did.  Papa doesn't like you hurting other people like that! If you do it again that I will have to punish you (or something like that)
M : Yes, if you do it again, then I will send Nanny to Howard (Felicia's cousin)
F : NO!!!!
M: Then you must never do it again.  Have you apologized to nanny?
F: Sorry, Sus!
M: Where is your naughty hand?!  (this is usually a clue for her to show the aforementioned hand so we can rapped her hand)
F: Oh, Mom! It's not here! My hand is hiding, mom!  

M: (Turning around for a second so she can hide her smile), Then go and find your hand!

Felicia completely ignored mom's demand and instead scanned the ceiling either pretending mom's not there or she didn't see mom or actually looking for the hidden hand....

The Bible is awesome!

I really love the Bible, it has everything that you need. For my current situation I got this:

"If you find honey, eat just enough—
too much of it, and you will vomit.

Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house—
too much of you, and he will hate you."

Proverbs 25:16-17

READ IT!!!

Problem Solver - Awesomeness # 2

This Good Friday, the three of us went to Gramedia Book Store around noon.

I know it's supposed to be Felicia's nap time, but she doesn't look too sleepy and I had promised her that we would go. However, once we arrived there, she immediately became cranky and want her dad to carry her.

I told her that I would carry her, but she wanted Daddy. I pointed at Daddy, telling her that Daddy could not hold her because Daddy was carrying her small bag (filled with diaper and snack), and Mommy's bag (because up to that point, I'm carrying her).

Without missing a bit, she immediately turned to her Daddy and said,
Felicia : Dad, that is my bag, give it to me (her dad gave it to her and she turned to me)
Felicia : Mom, carry my bag (then turned to Daddy again)
Felicia : Dad, that is mom's bag (then turned to me) Mom, carry your bag

We know what she's doing, but we just smiled and did what she said,

Then she turned to her Dad, who no longer carried any bag, and said,

Felicia : Dad, now carry me.

And he did.

She used the same trick when at the end of the trip she wanted me to carry her.

In Quest of Good Books

I have always loved good books. I remembered during our honeymoon in Los Angeles, Ming offered me to go to Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive and somehow I preferred to spend hours in Barnes & Nobles to Borders. During our two weeks there, I had never once set a foot on Rodeo Drive and had never regretted it. My favorite spot back in college is the Fifth floor of my University library, and if you ask me now what I really want to do, I want to become a Librarian.

Simon Fraser University, W.A.C Bennett Library, Burnaby. the bottom windows are actually the fifth floor

The library is my church. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an atheist, but the place always manages to bring peace and quiet to my mind, and when you stop and think about it, there's nothing that speaks louder of God's greatness than being surrounded by the written works of human minds, whether they are historical accounts of past kings and conquests, whether they are popped-up books for toddlers, or Tolkien's works, or a memoir of a prairie girl who lived more than a hundred years ago in De Smet, South Dakota.

I don't love a particular genre, and have no favorite author. Some books left a profound impression and overtime I will always reach out for it again and again and again. Some books I regretted buying and others I bought because well, I just want to read something. Anything. and promptly forgot about it.

Borrowing the words of Forrest Gump, buying a book was like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're going to get. I learned this first time on 6th grade elementary, when our teacher introduced us to library for the first time and asked us to borrow a book. I pulled one form the shelf. It was an old, thick, yellowing book with funny, molding smell. I forgot why I was drawn to that book, but I'd like to think my overactive imagination half expected I would open it and found an old treasure map or something.

I had never read a book more than twenty pages and never without pictures before. Well, thisbook was about 300 pages and there's no pictures at all. I opened and started reading and before I know it, the bell rang and I've finished a chapter and couldn't wait to go home and keep reading.

This book was the first book that got me hooked to reading. The title was, Little House on the Prairie, the author, Laura Ingalls Wilder. My daughter's full name is Felicia Laura Oei. While Ming will always think Felicia's middle name is the feminine keepsake of his name, Lawrence, I will aways think her middle name is a tribute to Laura Ingalls. I hope one day Felicia will read and cherish her books.

In 2002, in a used book sale in the corner of a mall in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, I pulled out an extremely thick book (around 2.5 inches), hoping that it would last for the rest of the road trip all the way to Winnipeg and back to Vancouver. I also thought the hardcover is kinda cool since it would stand the coffee stains, sticky fingers and made a good hard surface if I want to write something. Plus, it was a good deal for CAD $ 1.

The book was Roots, the author, Alex Hailey. It was, and still is, a treasure. I missed a good portion of Canadian Rockies scenery while bawling my eyes out reading this. If you love to read, this is one book that you should never miss in your lifetime. It makes you think of where you come from, the people who lived, loved, and died before you; the people who existed and therefore you come to being.

I know I've always wanted to go to that small village in Hubei, China and saw with my own eyes my father's family name there. Perhaps if I'm lucky, the house and land which once belonged to my great-grandfather, said to be a Landlord before the Communist Party took his land, was still standing.

One day, a couple of years ago, my friend told me about this book, called, The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. I asked him what it was about and I remembered he told me it's about a shepherd who went to see the pyramids and met an alchemist along the way who knew how to make gold and gotten beat up in the process. The shepherd, not the alchemist. I know. My first reaction was, huh?

Mostly due to this confusing summary that I almost missed reading this jewel. Then on a trip to a local bookstore, I found out that the English version of this book was actually quite cheap compare to other titles and decided to buy it. I almost cried of boredom when I read the first few chapters of this book, but I was a true believer by the end of it.

"When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream" - The Alchemist

This book is about following your dream, and not letting anything stops you. Even if it took years and plenty distractions and sets back along the way. Even if it sometimes your dream seemed unrealistic and other opportunities in front of you seemed to good to miss. It's about having faith and carry on.

Unfortunately, I wasn't the shepperd in the book. I was more like the crystal merchant who hang on to his dream but after having the means to pursue it, simply chose not to for fear that 1) once he achieves his dream, what would he live and long for? 2) what if his dream, in reality, is not as good as he had visioned it to be?

Anyway, you simply have to read it to get it. All the way. Hang on during the first rather confusing and seemingly pointless chapters, it all makes sense in the end. I promise. Plus, it's rather short and the language is easy.

Finally, as you all know, sometime last year I became obsessed with Alexander Skarsgard, which led me to read and watch Generation Kill (still watch it several times). Anyways, while I'm still a fan, I had overcome my Skarsgardian, sweede-tooth, addiction to anything related to the actor, one thing I have never regretted was stumbling on this book, One Bullet Away by Nathaniel Fick.

The book follows a part of his life from when he decided to join the military to his resignation. Nathaniel Fick is an ivy league Classic scholar who felt he was born in a wrong time. He wanted to test himself and followed a rite of passage to become a man, instead of joining Corporate America upon graduation. Other military branches offered him scholarship, experiences, money to join, but the United States Marines Corps instead asked him if he had what it takes to be a Marine. That convinced him to sign up for their Officer program.

It was his father’s words that best summed up the decision and the first chapters of the books, “The Marines will teach you everything I love you too much to teach you”

He joined a peacetime military and was in Australia when 9/11 happened. He and his platoon left directly to Pakistan, was on a mission in Afghanistan, and in 2003, he led a platoon of reconnaissance marines, spearheading the invasion of Iraq in Operation Iraqi Freedom. He returned to United States safely with all of his men (only one casualty), but a changed man. In his own words, he basically said, the kid who went to Iraq had never returned.

He was a Captain when he resigned from the Marine Corps. He was only twenty five then.

Remember how we wondered where we’re going to be when we turned twenty five, Sheila? I have to say, nothing beats leading a platoon of men into war and came home alive. He returned, and signed up for dual graduate degree in Harvard Business School and Kennedy School of Government. He is now happily married, and works in Washington DC. Oh, this book he wrote was on New York Time best seller, and he was also one marine officer depicted glowingly in Generation Kill by Evan Wrights, both in books and the HBO mini series, more on that later.

This man is for real. He seemed to embody what being an American is all about, which is a refreshing change after hearing about The Jershey Shore “The Situation” or Jon Gossellin from the former show Jon and Kate plus eight.

America, you still have hope.

There you are Felicia, the four books your mom LOVES to read and will continue to read over and over again. There is very few that I'm looking forward more than the chance to talk about these books with you once you read them, if you want to of course, over a cup of coffee after we go shopping with your dad's credit card.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I do, and I can't wait to know what books you love to read!